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controlledvariable) wrote2014-02-02 07:59 pm
controlledvariable) wrote2014-02-02 07:59 pm
exsilium; ic inbox
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Hundred percent, I don't need to be drunk to be a slut.
[There's that anger again, but it's all so obviously directed at herself, because she hates that word and if it'd been anyone but herself using it, she'd hit them. But it feels like the only one that really fits, when she's here in Saul's bedroom instead of at the apartment with Ellie, when she couldn't help herself from kissing Vanadi again even though she knew she shouldn't.
The way her hand drags through her hair looks a little painful, but at least she looks at Saul, offering a smile full of that same self-mockery.]
[There's that anger again, but it's all so obviously directed at herself, because she hates that word and if it'd been anyone but herself using it, she'd hit them. But it feels like the only one that really fits, when she's here in Saul's bedroom instead of at the apartment with Ellie, when she couldn't help herself from kissing Vanadi again even though she knew she shouldn't.
The way her hand drags through her hair looks a little painful, but at least she looks at Saul, offering a smile full of that same self-mockery.]
[And there they are, back at square one. He frowns, studying her face. Self-loathing doesn't look good on her. It looks about as good as the guilt churning in his gut feels, so — not at all.
What's he supposed to say to that? You're not a slut, it's okay, you didn't even do anything?]
What's he supposed to say to that? You're not a slut, it's okay, you didn't even do anything?]
[For a moment she doesn't say anything more, just watches him in silence, until finally she just clenches her jaw and looks away. She wants to hit something do badly, but she doesnt think Saul would approve of her putting a hole in his wall with her fist.]
I should go before I fuck things up even more.
[She hates the part of herself that wants him to ask her to stay.]
I should go before I fuck things up even more.
[She hates the part of herself that wants him to ask her to stay.]
[No, but he would feel better if she hit something else. Like him.
He doesn't even realize that he's reaching out for her; he's too focused on her face to see anything else. When he speaks, his voice is soft. A little shaky, too.]
You didn't fuck anything up.
He doesn't even realize that he's reaching out for her; he's too focused on her face to see anything else. When he speaks, his voice is soft. A little shaky, too.]
You didn't fuck anything up.
Pretty sure I did.
[She should pull away, she should jump out the window or even just walk past him and leave by the front door. It doesn't even matter if anyone saw her; she's entirely past caring.]
Ellie would-- [The rest of the words catch in her throat, and just makes a soft, sad sound instead of trying again.
Ellie would hate her, if she found out.]
[She should pull away, she should jump out the window or even just walk past him and leave by the front door. It doesn't even matter if anyone saw her; she's entirely past caring.]
Ellie would-- [The rest of the words catch in her throat, and just makes a soft, sad sound instead of trying again.
Ellie would hate her, if she found out.]
[It isn't until he's got a hold of her hand that he looks down and blinks, like he has no idea how that happened.
This probably isn't helping, but it's this or nothing. He can't do nothing. He also can't... distract her, again. Even if he still wants to.]
So don't tell her, Steph. Nothing happened.
[How can he even say that with a straight face.]
This probably isn't helping, but it's this or nothing. He can't do nothing. He also can't... distract her, again. Even if he still wants to.]
So don't tell her, Steph. Nothing happened.
[How can he even say that with a straight face.]
This is your definition of nothing?
[Just - incredulous, accompanied by a bitter huff of laughter.
Nevermind that she's still here and gripping his hand and trying not to hate herself more than she already does, right now.]
[Just - incredulous, accompanied by a bitter huff of laughter.
Nevermind that she's still here and gripping his hand and trying not to hate herself more than she already does, right now.]
Edited 2013-06-11 03:13 (UTC)
[She should go. She should really, really leave, and Saul is completely out of ideas as to how to get her out of here without actually telling her to hit the road. He can't find the words for that.
It's then that he decides this would be much, much easier for both of them if she hated him, instead.
So he kisses her.]
It's then that he decides this would be much, much easier for both of them if she hated him, instead.
So he kisses her.]
[There's a moment where she forgets herself, and for a second she's responding, kissing him, before her thoughts actually catch up with what's happening.
It's not easy, to step back, and it's even less easy to snatch her hand away from his, holding her hands to her chest instead, defensive and protective all at once, her fingers curled around her own wrist. After spending most of this conversation not being able to look at him, she's meeting his gaze now, and there's nothing in her expression but hurt.]
Why?
[It's an accusation, because he knows, he knows that she can't do this and she can't imagine any reason why he'd keep pushing except for that he hates her, maybe.]
What did I do to you?
[Why is he doing this?]
It's not easy, to step back, and it's even less easy to snatch her hand away from his, holding her hands to her chest instead, defensive and protective all at once, her fingers curled around her own wrist. After spending most of this conversation not being able to look at him, she's meeting his gaze now, and there's nothing in her expression but hurt.]
Why?
[It's an accusation, because he knows, he knows that she can't do this and she can't imagine any reason why he'd keep pushing except for that he hates her, maybe.]
What did I do to you?
[Why is he doing this?]
[Well that... backfired. Sort of. He stares at her for a moment, expression blank, then runs a hand through his hair and shakes his head.
What he wants to do is tell her the truth, but his heart is lodged so high up in his throat that he isn't sure he can even speak. And how ridiculous would it sound, coming from him? "Because I think I'm in love with you"? Please.
He looks like he's about to panic.]
You should go. Wait. No; I'll —
[He swallows, backing up.]
You go when you feel like it. I'm gonna go... out.
[For a walk. A really long walk. A few more seconds pass before he's able to break his gaze away from her and slip out the bedroom door. But before he's gone completely:]
I'm really sorry, Steph.
What he wants to do is tell her the truth, but his heart is lodged so high up in his throat that he isn't sure he can even speak. And how ridiculous would it sound, coming from him? "Because I think I'm in love with you"? Please.
He looks like he's about to panic.]
You should go. Wait. No; I'll —
[He swallows, backing up.]
You go when you feel like it. I'm gonna go... out.
[For a walk. A really long walk. A few more seconds pass before he's able to break his gaze away from her and slip out the bedroom door. But before he's gone completely:]
I'm really sorry, Steph.
[She has no frame of reference for this, absolutely no idea what to do or think, so she just stands there, fingers digging into her wrist so hard she leaves red crescents on her skin, while she tries to figure out what's even going on.
This is ridiculous; a few weeks ago she was just teasing him, playing around, and now she feels like someone's cut the legs from under her and tipped the world upside down.
It takes her a while to register what he's saying, and then her expression crumples even more, something like guilt written across her face, but she knows she can't tell him to stay. She has to let him leave because otherwise he won't and then she won't and everything will just keep getting worse.]
It's okay.
[He doesn't have to be sorry, even if she still doesn't understand why he kissed her when he knows she can't, when he said he didn't want anything from her.
Moving is an effort, and it takes her a few minutes to actually manage it, but then she's just climbing out the window, letting the cold air burn her lungs before she drops. It's only five stories, so she doesn't bother with a grapple, just slows her descent by bouncing off windowsills, until her boots hit the ground. Leaning back against the wall and sliding down until she's curled in on herself is kind of pathetic, but there's not really much else she can do, right now.]
This is ridiculous; a few weeks ago she was just teasing him, playing around, and now she feels like someone's cut the legs from under her and tipped the world upside down.
It takes her a while to register what he's saying, and then her expression crumples even more, something like guilt written across her face, but she knows she can't tell him to stay. She has to let him leave because otherwise he won't and then she won't and everything will just keep getting worse.]
It's okay.
[He doesn't have to be sorry, even if she still doesn't understand why he kissed her when he knows she can't, when he said he didn't want anything from her.
Moving is an effort, and it takes her a few minutes to actually manage it, but then she's just climbing out the window, letting the cold air burn her lungs before she drops. It's only five stories, so she doesn't bother with a grapple, just slows her descent by bouncing off windowsills, until her boots hit the ground. Leaning back against the wall and sliding down until she's curled in on herself is kind of pathetic, but there's not really much else she can do, right now.]
You won't regret it.
[It's overly cheerful, playing around a little, but there's something genuine in her voice, too.
And after a moment:]
How'd you feel about a spar before dinner? I wouldn't mind a chance to work up an appetite.
[She wouldn't mind a chance to work out some tension, is what she really needs.]
[It's overly cheerful, playing around a little, but there's something genuine in her voice, too.
And after a moment:]
How'd you feel about a spar before dinner? I wouldn't mind a chance to work up an appetite.
[She wouldn't mind a chance to work out some tension, is what she really needs.]
A spar?
( Thank God. She hadn't realised how much she needed one until Stephanie suggests it. )
You could just ask for pointers.
( hahaha no she knows about Bats and their opinions of the Huntress, now Stephanie officially has that mantle she rather assues that shared. Unfortunate, but at least they're on the same side.
To clarify: )
A spar sounds good.
( Thank God. She hadn't realised how much she needed one until Stephanie suggests it. )
You could just ask for pointers.
( hahaha no she knows about Bats and their opinions of the Huntress, now Stephanie officially has that mantle she rather assues that shared. Unfortunate, but at least they're on the same side.
To clarify: )
A spar sounds good.
See you then.
Look after yourself.
( she knows you and your tendencies, Stephanie Brown )
Look after yourself.
( she knows you and your tendencies, Stephanie Brown )
I prefer things to be a little more hands on.
[Hahaha
Ha.]
Four? At the Hold training rooms, unless you'd rather somewhere more private.
[Hahaha
Ha.]
Four? At the Hold training rooms, unless you'd rather somewhere more private.
The training rooms will do, for now.
( "For now," because a few days of reflection and investigation have left her less than satisfied with this place. )
See you there.
( "For now," because a few days of reflection and investigation have left her less than satisfied with this place. )
See you there.
Thanks, Helena.
[And then she's just - going to cut the connection and bounce off the walls until four o'clock rolls aorund.]
[And then she's just - going to cut the connection and bounce off the walls until four o'clock rolls aorund.]
I'll figure it out.
[She rolls her eyes at him, and decides to be kind enough to even give him a moment headstart, before she starts running, too.
Between her grapple and simple freerunning, she makes good time, keeping a close eye on Atlas to see which way he's moving, often having to belatedly change her course, since she's generally a few feet ahead of him.
Still, once they reach the outlands and getting closer to their intended destination, it isn't to hard for her to pick out, and she increases her pace, leaping over rocks and slipping through tight passages between trees or boulders, befor she comes to a skidding halt in the clearing a good thirty seconds before Atlas does.
Now who's smug?]
[She rolls her eyes at him, and decides to be kind enough to even give him a moment headstart, before she starts running, too.
Between her grapple and simple freerunning, she makes good time, keeping a close eye on Atlas to see which way he's moving, often having to belatedly change her course, since she's generally a few feet ahead of him.
Still, once they reach the outlands and getting closer to their intended destination, it isn't to hard for her to pick out, and she increases her pace, leaping over rocks and slipping through tight passages between trees or boulders, befor she comes to a skidding halt in the clearing a good thirty seconds before Atlas does.
Now who's smug?]
[She curls her knees up to her chest, warms wrapped around them, looking exactly as guilty as she feels, wishing she was better at talking to people.]
Don't.
[Don't apologize, not when she's the one who spoke without thinking and upset him, and she feels even guiltier once he has apologized, because she feels like he should still be mad at her.
What he sas next... she doesn't know what to say to that, not when she's already fucked up really badly and just wants to help, now. What does he want her to say? She doesn't know, can tell he's sad and desperate but isn't sure what kind of reassurance he might need or want. In the ed, she just looks at him, making a I don't know what to do sort of gesture in the way her hands lift from around her knees.]
Don't.
[Don't apologize, not when she's the one who spoke without thinking and upset him, and she feels even guiltier once he has apologized, because she feels like he should still be mad at her.
What he sas next... she doesn't know what to say to that, not when she's already fucked up really badly and just wants to help, now. What does he want her to say? She doesn't know, can tell he's sad and desperate but isn't sure what kind of reassurance he might need or want. In the ed, she just looks at him, making a I don't know what to do sort of gesture in the way her hands lift from around her knees.]
[Steph doesn't panic, and not just because she knows Atlas wouldn't let her drown in this. Instead, she shifts her weight carefully, testng the viscosity, and for a moment she's still, weighing her options.
Her next movements are lightning quick; her lower body doesn't move, but her hand reaches into her utility belt, pulling out a batarang and filling it at the rock near Atlas, where it releases a thick mess of sticky goop. If he doesn't move out of the way in time, he might find himself a little trapped.]
Her next movements are lightning quick; her lower body doesn't move, but her hand reaches into her utility belt, pulling out a batarang and filling it at the rock near Atlas, where it releases a thick mess of sticky goop. If he doesn't move out of the way in time, he might find himself a little trapped.]
( He does not like this. Sticky things, things that trap and bind him. He has nightmares about drowning, it's part of why his quicksand is only ever waist deep. The trap spreads fast, and he's trying to burn his way out, flames roaring over his skin, billowing out but doing nothing to the trap.
Atlas shoots her a look, snorting out smoke to mark his displeasure. )
Atlas shoots her a look, snorting out smoke to mark his displeasure. )
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