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controlledvariable) wrote2014-02-02 07:59 pm
controlledvariable) wrote2014-02-02 07:59 pm
exsilium; ic inbox
text | audio | video
text | audio | video
[Shit.
She totally meant to call Ellie.]
i'm okay, sorry. i was gonna call you but some stuff came up. is tess okay?
[Did she go to the party? Did she get taken? There were so many people to keep track of.]
She totally meant to call Ellie.]
i'm okay, sorry. i was gonna call you but some stuff came up. is tess okay?
[Did she go to the party? Did she get taken? There were so many people to keep track of.]
it's okay just wanted to make sure you weren't in all that crazy shit that went down
she's still here. we've been looking for clues or anything really and that hasn't really gone so well.
she's still here. we've been looking for clues or anything really and that hasn't really gone so well.
i was there, but i'm okay
[Well.... as okay as she can be with burns and a gash in her thigh.]
i'm glad she's okay. the ue showed their hand last night, if nothing else. they were tracked to the edge of the island, so we've just gotta pick it up from there.
[Well.... as okay as she can be with burns and a gash in her thigh.]
i'm glad she's okay. the ue showed their hand last night, if nothing else. they were tracked to the edge of the island, so we've just gotta pick it up from there.
shit. The fuck is wrong with these people?
Good to hear you're OK though
Good to hear you're OK though
they're controlled by an ai focused on world domination.
[...that was a rhetorical question, wasn't it?]
[...that was a rhetorical question, wasn't it?]
[He heard her message.
And heard it and heard it again and finally decided, after the fifth replay (which happened to be the replay that finally caught Mike's attention and had her pawing curiously at the speaker), to take a shower and clean himself up, change his bandages, and have some decent coffee.
Then he listened to it one more time.
Saul knows what she was going to say. He doesn't know if she means it the same way he does, and in light of all the time he spent with Ellie back in the holding compound and how much he grew to like her, it really shouldn't matter how Steph means it.
But it does matter. And he has to know.]
If this wakes you up, ignore it.
If not, drop by? Or meet me somewhere. Your call.
And heard it and heard it again and finally decided, after the fifth replay (which happened to be the replay that finally caught Mike's attention and had her pawing curiously at the speaker), to take a shower and clean himself up, change his bandages, and have some decent coffee.
Then he listened to it one more time.
Saul knows what she was going to say. He doesn't know if she means it the same way he does, and in light of all the time he spent with Ellie back in the holding compound and how much he grew to like her, it really shouldn't matter how Steph means it.
But it does matter. And he has to know.]
If this wakes you up, ignore it.
If not, drop by? Or meet me somewhere. Your call.
[This is probably a bad idea, seeing Saul always is, but she needs to reassure herself that he's safe.
She needs to apologize for letting him get taken in the first place.]
can i let myself in through the door?
[She doesn't want to come through the window, not when she's already busted her stitches three times since putting them in.]
She needs to apologize for letting him get taken in the first place.]
can i let myself in through the door?
[She doesn't want to come through the window, not when she's already busted her stitches three times since putting them in.]
I'll unlock it.
[He'll wait in the living room for her.
As will Mike, who refuses to leave Saul alone.]
[He'll wait in the living room for her.
As will Mike, who refuses to leave Saul alone.]
[There's no reply, because she's slipping in through the door a few minutes later. She's not long from her own shower, her wet hair braided down her back and dressed in loose civvies.]
Hey.
[It's barely more than a whisper as she eases the door shut, in case Lee or Remy are home and sleeping.
She hasn't forgotten about the message, necessarily, so much that it's just slipped her mind in the wake of everything else.]
Hey.
[It's barely more than a whisper as she eases the door shut, in case Lee or Remy are home and sleeping.
She hasn't forgotten about the message, necessarily, so much that it's just slipped her mind in the wake of everything else.]
[She's not the only one out of uniform: Saul's in a plan black tee and jeans. His arms still hurt a bit, so his usual long-sleeved dress shirts won't do. And yeah, he knows he could go to Ashraf for some help with healing, but...
Trust issues. Even if it wasn't Ashraf's fault and it wasn't really Ashraf shoving Saul into the UE's hands, he can't forget the look on his supposed friend's face.
He rises to his feet as soon as Steph arrives, plucking Mike from his shirt and placing her on the couch. Some hesitation follows. "Hey"? That's all?]
I got your message. I hope — [You're not blaming yourself for this. But no; of course she is. He knows that already.]
I'm sorry I didn't realize what was happening when Ashraf tried to get me away from the party. But I'm okay, Steph. Everything was fine.
Trust issues. Even if it wasn't Ashraf's fault and it wasn't really Ashraf shoving Saul into the UE's hands, he can't forget the look on his supposed friend's face.
He rises to his feet as soon as Steph arrives, plucking Mike from his shirt and placing her on the couch. Some hesitation follows. "Hey"? That's all?]
I got your message. I hope — [You're not blaming yourself for this. But no; of course she is. He knows that already.]
I'm sorry I didn't realize what was happening when Ashraf tried to get me away from the party. But I'm okay, Steph. Everything was fine.
[What else could she say?
She lingers by the door, not sure if she should get closer, if he wants her to come any closer. The reminder of the message has her needing to swallow around the sudden lump in her throat, but she's fine, this is fine, it was just - words.]
It's not your fault.
[She can imagine Collette laughing, calling her a hypocrite, but she doesn't know what else to say.]
I'm sorry I wasn't there.
[To protect him, to keep him safe, like she promised she would.]
She lingers by the door, not sure if she should get closer, if he wants her to come any closer. The reminder of the message has her needing to swallow around the sudden lump in her throat, but she's fine, this is fine, it was just - words.]
It's not your fault.
[She can imagine Collette laughing, calling her a hypocrite, but she doesn't know what else to say.]
I'm sorry I wasn't there.
[To protect him, to keep him safe, like she promised she would.]
You were, though, weren't you? The bats. Those were you, right?
[His voice tightens so much so quickly that it cracks.
He saw them. He knows he saw them, and he's not going crazy, and maybe if he had thought to point them out to someone else, he'd have gotten confirmation that he wasn't seeing things.
But he didn't.
And he kind of just assumed that he'd been drugged, a little. That that's what all the tests were for.]
[His voice tightens so much so quickly that it cracks.
He saw them. He knows he saw them, and he's not going crazy, and maybe if he had thought to point them out to someone else, he'd have gotten confirmation that he wasn't seeing things.
But he didn't.
And he kind of just assumed that he'd been drugged, a little. That that's what all the tests were for.]
I-- [She left them for him and Ellie, for Collette, too, but the fact he saw them makes her chest feel too tight.]
We went on a mission, before you were taken, to reprogram to door codes.
[Her voice has slipped into something more formal, like she's relaying information to Bruce or Babs, because she doesn't know how else to keep herself steady.
Except there's more she wants to say, and she can't manage it in that same tone, so she just goes quiet.]
I wanted you to know we were coming.
We went on a mission, before you were taken, to reprogram to door codes.
[Her voice has slipped into something more formal, like she's relaying information to Bruce or Babs, because she doesn't know how else to keep herself steady.
Except there's more she wants to say, and she can't manage it in that same tone, so she just goes quiet.]
I wanted you to know we were coming.
[His brows furrow for a moment before he remembers: time travel.
Smart.
He's quiet then, too, because he's not sure how to respond to that. He knew she'd come, that the whole damn cavalry would come, because the Transports are one group of people you don't fuck with. He just wishes he could have done more than he did while there. He could have been useful, but he wasn't.
And now that he's back home and now that Steph's in front of him, the whole experience is starting to sink in. It's no wonder he spent so much of his time alone, zoning out under the guise of meditation. What other option did he have? Act as terrified as he felt?]
I knew. Even without the bats. That was a nice touch, though.
[He can't figure out what else to say. What he can do, though, is close the distance between them and pull her into a tight hug.]
Smart.
He's quiet then, too, because he's not sure how to respond to that. He knew she'd come, that the whole damn cavalry would come, because the Transports are one group of people you don't fuck with. He just wishes he could have done more than he did while there. He could have been useful, but he wasn't.
And now that he's back home and now that Steph's in front of him, the whole experience is starting to sink in. It's no wonder he spent so much of his time alone, zoning out under the guise of meditation. What other option did he have? Act as terrified as he felt?]
I knew. Even without the bats. That was a nice touch, though.
[He can't figure out what else to say. What he can do, though, is close the distance between them and pull her into a tight hug.]
[Of course he knew. It doesn't make breathing any easier.]
I thought you might appreciate it.
[Her tone is almost light, as if she can make a joke of this, as if she just scratched bats into the wall for a dramatic touch, instead of desperately need her friends to know she wasn't going to abandon them.
As if she doesn't sink into his arms, holding him tight.]
You sure you're okay?
I thought you might appreciate it.
[Her tone is almost light, as if she can make a joke of this, as if she just scratched bats into the wall for a dramatic touch, instead of desperately need her friends to know she wasn't going to abandon them.
As if she doesn't sink into his arms, holding him tight.]
You sure you're okay?
Maybe.
[That's the most honest answer he can give right now. He certainly doesn't feel okay, but he's not sure if that's from having spent the past few days in captivity or if it's from Steph being as close as she is and him knowing what he thinks he knows —
He shouldn't have listened to that message as many times as he did. It's replaying in his head, over and over, and he keeps getting caught on that one syllable: I. I. I.
He presses a kiss to her temple and when he finally speaks again, after a long moment of just standing there and holding her, he sounds scared.]
Steph, what were you gonna say?
[That's the most honest answer he can give right now. He certainly doesn't feel okay, but he's not sure if that's from having spent the past few days in captivity or if it's from Steph being as close as she is and him knowing what he thinks he knows —
He shouldn't have listened to that message as many times as he did. It's replaying in his head, over and over, and he keeps getting caught on that one syllable: I. I. I.
He presses a kiss to her temple and when he finally speaks again, after a long moment of just standing there and holding her, he sounds scared.]
Steph, what were you gonna say?
[The hug is a relief. The question less so, and for a second all she does is hide her face against his shoulder.
She's pretty sure he knows; he has to, otherwise he wouldn't sound like that when he asked, so why is he asking? For a moment she wonders if he wants the satisfaction of hearing it, but it's such an awful thought that she winces and holds him tighter. It's not to think like that, when she knows how hard he's trying to be a good person.]
Don't.
[Because he sounds scared, because saying it out loud can only make things worse, because she's not sure she can admit it without breaking down all over again, and she's so sick of crying.]
She's pretty sure he knows; he has to, otherwise he wouldn't sound like that when he asked, so why is he asking? For a moment she wonders if he wants the satisfaction of hearing it, but it's such an awful thought that she winces and holds him tighter. It's not to think like that, when she knows how hard he's trying to be a good person.]
Don't.
[Because he sounds scared, because saying it out loud can only make things worse, because she's not sure she can admit it without breaking down all over again, and she's so sick of crying.]
[What he's feeling is the opposite of satisfaction. Part of him is happy, of course — genuinely happy in a way he hasn't felt in a long, long time — but that's barely a fraction compared to the rest of him, which is a storm of you shouldn't and you can't and please don't.
And he wants so badly to say those things, but he doesn't.]
I'm sorry.
[Like this is all his fault, somehow.
He really wishes they could go more than a few weeks without apologizing for things neither of them have control over.]
And he wants so badly to say those things, but he doesn't.]
I'm sorry.
[Like this is all his fault, somehow.
He really wishes they could go more than a few weeks without apologizing for things neither of them have control over.]
[quietly:] Don't do that, either.
[He doesn't have to apologize to her, not for this.
Though she does wish he'd just shut up and keep holding her, instead of complicating things with questions and reminders of how screwed up this is.]
[He doesn't have to apologize to her, not for this.
Though she does wish he'd just shut up and keep holding her, instead of complicating things with questions and reminders of how screwed up this is.]
[Wish granted.
But there's still body language, and that's doing all the talking Saul isn't: he knows she can feel his heart hammering against his chest, and he knows he's holding her a little too tightly, and he knows that nuzzling her cheek the way he is isn't helping things at all.
And yet.]
But there's still body language, and that's doing all the talking Saul isn't: he knows she can feel his heart hammering against his chest, and he knows he's holding her a little too tightly, and he knows that nuzzling her cheek the way he is isn't helping things at all.
And yet.]
[She doesn't care about any of that.
She should, she knows she should, but all Steph can do is sigh and close her eyes and lean into the touch, just a little.
Her girlfriend is a few floors down, curled up asleep their bed, and she's here with Saul, wishing that she could kiss him. She doesn't know when everything got so screwed up, when she got so screwed up, but it feels like she passed the point of no return months ago.
This is going to keep happening; she'll try to choose Ellie, but she keeps getting drawn back to Saul no matter how much she knows she shouldn't. They're circling each other, because she can't give in and she can't let him go, and she can't leave Ellie when she loves her just as much. So it's going to keep being like this, Ellie in her bed and these secret, stolen moments with Saul.
And it's going to keep hurting.]
She should, she knows she should, but all Steph can do is sigh and close her eyes and lean into the touch, just a little.
Her girlfriend is a few floors down, curled up asleep their bed, and she's here with Saul, wishing that she could kiss him. She doesn't know when everything got so screwed up, when she got so screwed up, but it feels like she passed the point of no return months ago.
This is going to keep happening; she'll try to choose Ellie, but she keeps getting drawn back to Saul no matter how much she knows she shouldn't. They're circling each other, because she can't give in and she can't let him go, and she can't leave Ellie when she loves her just as much. So it's going to keep being like this, Ellie in her bed and these secret, stolen moments with Saul.
And it's going to keep hurting.]
[Effie knows he's back; he messaged her after his third listen to Steph's message to say that he'd see her later. On Saul's list of priorities, Jesse is number one, Steph is number two, and everyone else might as well be an afterthought at this point.
He hates that it's come to this, but the only set of emotions he can't seem to control or manipulate are his own — and this is where it's led him.
It scares the hell out of him even more than Walt, even more than being kidnapped, and even more than the constant threat of death because the outcome is completely unpredictable. It's beyond his experience, it's not at all what he'd expected, and for him to put his heart on the line like this for someone he knows he can never be with — that's a big deal. And that's an understatement.
The nuzzling turns to kissing, light touches of his lips to her cheek, and what he asks next is a mumble against her skin:] Why'd you bring that gun with you?
[Call him crazy, but he thinks this might all be connected.]
He hates that it's come to this, but the only set of emotions he can't seem to control or manipulate are his own — and this is where it's led him.
It scares the hell out of him even more than Walt, even more than being kidnapped, and even more than the constant threat of death because the outcome is completely unpredictable. It's beyond his experience, it's not at all what he'd expected, and for him to put his heart on the line like this for someone he knows he can never be with — that's a big deal. And that's an understatement.
The nuzzling turns to kissing, light touches of his lips to her cheek, and what he asks next is a mumble against her skin:] Why'd you bring that gun with you?
[Call him crazy, but he thinks this might all be connected.]
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