[And there's a little bit of a delay on this end, too.]
I just don't know that, though. Are they? Wonderful? All I see, time and time again, is people trying to form themselves into their same brutal circles. When I got here, I really thought that things were going to be okay. I saw how things were so wide-open, and I thought, okay, just gotta be proactive, just gotta push, just gotta get things done, and then I can help push through a system I'm really proud of. Something without any shameful legacies, with no slavery, with no murder, no culling of giftless babies. And people seemed so wonderful when I got here, too - there was Ashraf, and he just seemed like a shining prince, and fuck, even Pinkman seemed like a revelation, someone genuinely kind and good. And the former turns out to be a cheating self-flagellating martyr and the latter tried to rape me when I tried to get him to put down the crackpipe.
I want to have faith in people. You're probably laughing derisively, I know, because I'm a shitty human being - and I am, I am a shitty person, I know that and I acknowledge it. But all I want to do, all I have ever wanted to do, is leverage a little bit of my shitty worthlessness into making life a little bit less awful for the people who deserve better.
But I can't. I can't do that. I don't know how. And you say they can be wonderful, and I've been told all my life they can be wonderful, but the only genuine kindness I've ever seen comes from kids. As soon as you grow up, you turn awful in one way or another.
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controlledvariable) wrote2014-02-02 07:59 pm
1/2
I just don't know that, though. Are they? Wonderful? All I see, time and time again, is people trying to form themselves into their same brutal circles. When I got here, I really thought that things were going to be okay. I saw how things were so wide-open, and I thought, okay, just gotta be proactive, just gotta push, just gotta get things done, and then I can help push through a system I'm really proud of. Something without any shameful legacies, with no slavery, with no murder, no culling of giftless babies. And people seemed so wonderful when I got here, too - there was Ashraf, and he just seemed like a shining prince, and fuck, even Pinkman seemed like a revelation, someone genuinely kind and good. And the former turns out to be a cheating self-flagellating martyr and the latter tried to rape me when I tried to get him to put down the crackpipe.
I want to have faith in people. You're probably laughing derisively, I know, because I'm a shitty human being - and I am, I am a shitty person, I know that and I acknowledge it. But all I want to do, all I have ever wanted to do, is leverage a little bit of my shitty worthlessness into making life a little bit less awful for the people who deserve better.
But I can't. I can't do that. I don't know how. And you say they can be wonderful, and I've been told all my life they can be wonderful, but the only genuine kindness I've ever seen comes from kids. As soon as you grow up, you turn awful in one way or another.