[I know doesn't really make it better, but at least he understands, at least it doesn't feel like he's going to ask anything from her, the way everyone else does.
She knows that's not fair, and she knows it's not true, because if Walter shows up again, Saul will need her help, because he already asks so much of her, but somehow it doesn't matter so much when he's the one she keeps going to when she needs someone to hold her. Everything she said to Collette about him was the truth.
She needs this so much. As much as Saul has been part of the mess, as much as he's hurt her, too, she can't imagine what she'd be like now, if he wasn't here.]
I love you. [so very quiet, and she keeps her face hidden against his chest.] That's what I was going to say.
[That's the problem with people, Saul thinks. That's why he doesn't hold anyone to too high a standard: they're selfish, they're disappointing, they hurt you. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes not.
He never meant to hurt her.
Just like he's sure she doesn't mean to hurt him, because hearing "I love you" shouldn't make anyone feel the way Saul feels now. It makes no sense.
But he doesn't want to say what he thought of saying before, that mix of pleas for to change her mind, to not feel the way she does. He won't scare her away from it and can't force her to feel otherwise — the heart wants what it wants, right?
So he figures the best he can do now is make sure she never regrets it.
And if that means he has to stop being so stupid and shitty, fine. He'll try.
This is why, instead of trying to kiss her, he just goes on holding her the way he's been, fingers curled into her damp hair.]
[She doesn't know what she expected, really, but at least the silence is easy to take, at least he's still holding her even if there's part of her that wants him to say something. It's like waiting on the edge of a brink, scared of what way this might go, that he might pull away or move closer, but eventually the panic eases away.
He's holding her, he loves her and she loves him and it hurts, but that's just the way things are.
With a slow exhale, the tension eases from Steph's shoulders, and she rests more of her weight against Saul, still holding on but not clinging quite so tightly. She's not quite at ease, but she's more calm than she was when she walked into the room.
Nothing's going to be okay, she's never going to stop being exhausted, she's never going to stop hating herself, but she just wants to stop fighting it. This is just how things are; she needs to accept it and move on.
She has no idea how long they stand there, it could be ten seconds or a whole damn hour, but eventually she speaks up.]
Can I have a drink?
[She doesn't want to start relying on alcohol as a coping mechanism, but she just needs something right now, after the last week.]
[That's a great question. Saul's not sure he has any alcohol left, to be honest, so it takes a moment for him to answer.
A long moment.
Because he's not just thinking about whether he has any; he's thinking about this entire situation, and what he's wondering is this: does he really want another person in this apartment drinking to dull some kind of pain?
[One of the reasons why Saul loves her as much as she does is because she makes him laugh. He can't tell if she's kidding or if she really is that tired, but he's chuckling anyway, kissing her hair again before he pulls away to head for the kitchen.
But first, he sets a hand on Steph's lower back so he can guide her toward the couch. Mike's been asleep on the middle cushion for the past few minutes — the sound of movement gets her to perk up, and she yawns a curious mrow? at Steph.
Is someone finally going to pay attention to her?]
[There's no thoughts of resisting that guidance, she just curls up against the arm of the couch, careful of her leg, and lets Mike investigate by climbing all over her.
That's fine, kittens kind of do make everything better, and she looks up at Saul with a grateful smile.]
Thanks.
[It could just be thanks for going to grab her something to drink, but she really means for everything.]
[She sighs, quiet, not annoyed, but she knows he's going to worry about her.]
Vanadi, at the party. He managed to catch me with one of his blades before I shut him down. [It feels so weird to talk about the cyborg thing, but there's no way it can be a secret now, not when Vanadi was offline on the train home.] I'm okay, just trying to be careful.
[After four days of practically ignoring the injury and popping the stitches, she finally has the luxury of time, to let it heal.]
[She frowns a little, but it's more at herself, because she really should have asked about those, but it had slipped her mind in the wake of everything else.]
I don't want to know, honestly. [Ignorance is bliss.] My suit did a better job against that stuff than I'm guessing your tux did, but - yeah.
[Her burns weren't too bad, she only bandaged them for the first couple of days.]
[She tries to look sympathetic, she really does, but she can't help smiling at the melodrama. It's nice to just act like everything hasn't gone to shit, like the worst thing about the past week is Saul's tuxedo getting ruined.
Her smile stays even when he's gone off to scavenge for something to drink, and she turns her attention towards Mike, riling her up by bopping her gently on the head before letting her have revenge by chewing on Steph's fingers.
[Kittens are great. Especially his. Saul pauses in the entrance to the kitchen after he's poured Steph a glass of water to just watch the two of them and smile about it.
It's cute. It's nice. He wishes this could be a daily thing, but...
But a lot.
Eventually, he joins Steph on the couch with two glasses in hand, one of which he offers to her.]
[She takes the glass, having a sip before dipping her fingers in the water and flicking it at Mike, earning an indignant meow as the kitten tries to fix up her fur.
And then she's quiet for a long moment, just watching Mike, until she finally looks over at Saul.]
Do you wanna talk about it? The compound, I mean.
[Because she doesn't... know if he has anyone else to talk to about it, if he'd be worried about upsetting Jesse. She's gleaned a little information about it from Ellie, but still, it might have been different for Saul, and it might have affected him differently.
So she's just offering, to listen, in case he needs to get anythiing off his chest.]
[Actually, Saul thinks that's bullshit, but whatever. Her question makes him turn his attention down to his glass. No, he doesn't want to talk about it. What's there to say?]
I spent a lot of time alone. It was boring, there were tests, then it was boring again. Even the tests got boring. But —
[What he doesn't want to talk about most is Ellie. He chews his lip for a second, then presses onward anyway. Steph needs to know.]
I kept an eye on Ellie. I couldn't help you find her like I said I would, so... next best thing. We spent some time sneaking around together.
[She doesn't bother making a smart comment in response to that eight glasses a day, just sips her water and keeps Mike entertained as she waits for him to speak.
Her expression softens when he mentions Ellie.]
Thank you.
[There's so much gratitude in her voice, not just for the fact that he was willing to keep an eye on Ellie, but that he did it regardless of how he feels about her. She knows things like that aren't easy, so it means so much more.]
[She watches his hand, but not warily, she's curious what he's doing and turns her attention back to him once she realizes what he's doing.]
Yeah.
[And then she's just not sure what else to say, so she lapses into silence, idly watching Saul play with Mike. Maybe there are things they should talk about, but she really just wants to avoid that, for a little while.]
[That's fine with him. He's comfortable enough around Steph that he doesn't feel like he has to run his mouth constantly, so this is nice. And after spending so much time alone in silence, having someone by his side — someone he loves — makes this kind of quiet much more tolerable.
But then there's also the fact that Mike is purring like a motorboat, so it's not really that quiet.]
[After a little while, she moves to curl up against Saul's side, still careful of her leg, but she just wants that physical reassurance of his presence, the same way she barely let go of Ellie for the entire train ride.
Maybe she should feel guilty, being here with Saul, but she's sick of feeling guilty, and she just wants to relax for a few minutes, after the stress of the last few months. Saul's warm and comfortable and she just shuts her brain off, keeping her attention focused on Mike to keep any unpleasant thoughts from sneaking in.]
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controlledvariable) wrote2014-02-02 07:59 pm
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She knows that's not fair, and she knows it's not true, because if Walter shows up again, Saul will need her help, because he already asks so much of her, but somehow it doesn't matter so much when he's the one she keeps going to when she needs someone to hold her. Everything she said to Collette about him was the truth.
She needs this so much. As much as Saul has been part of the mess, as much as he's hurt her, too, she can't imagine what she'd be like now, if he wasn't here.]
I love you. [so very quiet, and she keeps her face hidden against his chest.] That's what I was going to say.
[As if he didn't know.]
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He never meant to hurt her.
Just like he's sure she doesn't mean to hurt him, because hearing "I love you" shouldn't make anyone feel the way Saul feels now. It makes no sense.
But he doesn't want to say what he thought of saying before, that mix of pleas for to change her mind, to not feel the way she does. He won't scare her away from it and can't force her to feel otherwise — the heart wants what it wants, right?
So he figures the best he can do now is make sure she never regrets it.
And if that means he has to stop being so stupid and shitty, fine. He'll try.
This is why, instead of trying to kiss her, he just goes on holding her the way he's been, fingers curled into her damp hair.]
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He's holding her, he loves her and she loves him and it hurts, but that's just the way things are.
With a slow exhale, the tension eases from Steph's shoulders, and she rests more of her weight against Saul, still holding on but not clinging quite so tightly. She's not quite at ease, but she's more calm than she was when she walked into the room.
Nothing's going to be okay, she's never going to stop being exhausted, she's never going to stop hating herself, but she just wants to stop fighting it. This is just how things are; she needs to accept it and move on.
She has no idea how long they stand there, it could be ten seconds or a whole damn hour, but eventually she speaks up.]
Can I have a drink?
[She doesn't want to start relying on alcohol as a coping mechanism, but she just needs something right now, after the last week.]
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A long moment.
Because he's not just thinking about whether he has any; he's thinking about this entire situation, and what he's wondering is this: does he really want another person in this apartment drinking to dull some kind of pain?
No, not really.]
You want some water? Water and a kitten, maybe?
[Mike's just as good as booze, right?]
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I can't drink a kitten.
[She's really tired.]
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But first, he sets a hand on Steph's lower back so he can guide her toward the couch. Mike's been asleep on the middle cushion for the past few minutes — the sound of movement gets her to perk up, and she yawns a curious mrow? at Steph.
Is someone finally going to pay attention to her?]
Here, sit. Relax. I'll see what we have.
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That's fine, kittens kind of do make everything better, and she looks up at Saul with a grateful smile.]
Thanks.
[It could just be thanks for going to grab her something to drink, but she really means for everything.]
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What happened?
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Vanadi, at the party. He managed to catch me with one of his blades before I shut him down. [It feels so weird to talk about the cyborg thing, but there's no way it can be a secret now, not when Vanadi was offline on the train home.] I'm okay, just trying to be careful.
[After four days of practically ignoring the injury and popping the stitches, she finally has the luxury of time, to let it heal.]
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He holds his arms out, indicating the bandages, then shrugs.]
Acid burns. Actually, blood... acid burns. Bloody acid tears? Whatever the hell it was. But I'm okay, too.
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I don't want to know, honestly. [Ignorance is bliss.] My suit did a better job against that stuff than I'm guessing your tux did, but - yeah.
[Her burns weren't too bad, she only bandaged them for the first couple of days.]
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He pouts.]
That was such a nice tux...
[A moment of silence for all that fanciness, and he finally heads into the kitchen.]
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Her smile stays even when he's gone off to scavenge for something to drink, and she turns her attention towards Mike, riling her up by bopping her gently on the head before letting her have revenge by chewing on Steph's fingers.
Seriously. Kittens are great.]
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It's cute. It's nice. He wishes this could be a daily thing, but...
But a lot.
Eventually, he joins Steph on the couch with two glasses in hand, one of which he offers to her.]
Here. Best I could do.
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[She takes the glass, having a sip before dipping her fingers in the water and flicking it at Mike, earning an indignant meow as the kitten tries to fix up her fur.
And then she's quiet for a long moment, just watching Mike, until she finally looks over at Saul.]
Do you wanna talk about it? The compound, I mean.
[Because she doesn't... know if he has anyone else to talk to about it, if he'd be worried about upsetting Jesse. She's gleaned a little information about it from Ellie, but still, it might have been different for Saul, and it might have affected him differently.
So she's just offering, to listen, in case he needs to get anythiing off his chest.]
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[Actually, Saul thinks that's bullshit, but whatever. Her question makes him turn his attention down to his glass. No, he doesn't want to talk about it. What's there to say?]
I spent a lot of time alone. It was boring, there were tests, then it was boring again. Even the tests got boring. But —
[What he doesn't want to talk about most is Ellie. He chews his lip for a second, then presses onward anyway. Steph needs to know.]
I kept an eye on Ellie. I couldn't help you find her like I said I would, so... next best thing. We spent some time sneaking around together.
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Her expression softens when he mentions Ellie.]
Thank you.
[There's so much gratitude in her voice, not just for the fact that he was willing to keep an eye on Ellie, but that he did it regardless of how he feels about her. She knows things like that aren't easy, so it means so much more.]
Did you find anything interesting?
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Saul will be the first to admit that he can be a bastard, but he keeps his promises.]
Garbage.
[So intentionally vague!]
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[Why does he have to be vague about it? That makes it hard to fish for information.]
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Literally. But it's — um.
[There's a pause as he searches for the word. He's really tired, too, despite having spent a lot of his time "resting."]
Biodegradable. What they make, I mean. And we found some access points, too; Ellie probably remembers where they are better than I do.
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[She sounds just... bemused, because she isn't sure how else to react to that.
Access points might have been useful earlier, but she doubts they're ever going back to that facility.]
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I guess.
[He sets his glass down and reaches over Steph, so Mike can paw at his hand.]
The information might be useful to someone, maybe. I'll pass it on to the powers that be tomorrow.
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Yeah.
[And then she's just not sure what else to say, so she lapses into silence, idly watching Saul play with Mike. Maybe there are things they should talk about, but she really just wants to avoid that, for a little while.]
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But then there's also the fact that Mike is purring like a motorboat, so it's not really that quiet.]
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Maybe she should feel guilty, being here with Saul, but she's sick of feeling guilty, and she just wants to relax for a few minutes, after the stress of the last few months. Saul's warm and comfortable and she just shuts her brain off, keeping her attention focused on Mike to keep any unpleasant thoughts from sneaking in.]
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