I DON'T KNOW. I don't know whether it was just an I'm-in-love-from-a-distance situation or a lip-lock situation, but the possibility of the latter has been HAUNTING ME.
[If her tone could come across, it'd be genuinely curious. Yelling about fucking corpses is fine, but she does want to get Sonya to actually talk about what happened and how she feels about it.]
Fuck him in the ear, right? He broke up with me for someone who tortured him just a few fucking weeks ago and called him a monster. Called ASHRAF a monster, I need to clarify that point, because it's fucking illogical. So, no, why would I associate with some fucking hang-me-on-the-cross martyr type?
[It's remarkable how consistently she uses "screw over" in the places where others would say "hurt." Almost like she's substituting the one phrase for the other.]
[Here, though, there's just a little bit more honesty from her.]
Yeah, well, I've never really experienced it. All I get, every day back home, is just people killing each other, hurting each other, destroying each other for money, for hatred, for boredom. And all I ever get is a lot of abuse for trying to do something about it. That's all I've ever gotten, ever since I was little. And here? It's just more of the same. Chatter about hanging high the people who just were trying to help us. And those few who have compassion for others just want to tear themselves to shreds.
Sometimes I wonder if the UE doesn't have the right of it.
There's a delay from Steph's end, because she just as no idea how to respond to that. She's pretty sure Sonya doesn't mean the thing about the UE, but the rest of it rings true enough.]
not everyone's like that. and i think you know it, otherwise you wouldn't be trying to help make things better.
people are shitty, but people can be wonderful, too. and you were right, you know, about having to cut people out sometimes. but as soon as you decide you're gonna do that every time, no matter what, you're gonna miss out on the people who'll be better. relationships are hard, including friendships. they're not gonna be perfect from the start and you fuck things up sometimes before figuring out how to be good for each other.
[And there's a little bit of a delay on this end, too.]
I just don't know that, though. Are they? Wonderful? All I see, time and time again, is people trying to form themselves into their same brutal circles. When I got here, I really thought that things were going to be okay. I saw how things were so wide-open, and I thought, okay, just gotta be proactive, just gotta push, just gotta get things done, and then I can help push through a system I'm really proud of. Something without any shameful legacies, with no slavery, with no murder, no culling of giftless babies. And people seemed so wonderful when I got here, too - there was Ashraf, and he just seemed like a shining prince, and fuck, even Pinkman seemed like a revelation, someone genuinely kind and good. And the former turns out to be a cheating self-flagellating martyr and the latter tried to rape me when I tried to get him to put down the crackpipe.
I want to have faith in people. You're probably laughing derisively, I know, because I'm a shitty human being - and I am, I am a shitty person, I know that and I acknowledge it. But all I want to do, all I have ever wanted to do, is leverage a little bit of my shitty worthlessness into making life a little bit less awful for the people who deserve better.
But I can't. I can't do that. I don't know how. And you say they can be wonderful, and I've been told all my life they can be wonderful, but the only genuine kindness I've ever seen comes from kids. As soon as you grow up, you turn awful in one way or another.
i'd rather not ignore it, and i'm definitely not laughing at you. i don't think you're shitty or worthless. i think it says a lot about you that you're willing to be the bad guy to try to make things better for other people.
but people doing something shitty doesn't make them a shitty person, it just means they're human. no one's perfect, and fucking up sometimes doesn't mean they can't be wonderful. my best friend back home could be kind of a jerk to me sometimes, but she's an amazing person. she loves people so much, she believes the best in everyone even after a lot of shit. i think she's wonderful, and there are plenty of people like her. the whole human race is like her, sometimes they can be stupid and selfish and cruel, but they can be kind, too. you just have to take the bad with the good, cause the good is worth it, and it's worth fighting for.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
controlledvariable) wrote2014-02-02 07:59 pm
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if you dont shut up i will go into detail about my sex life and i know you don't want that
i dont even want to think about dicks exploding i need to wash my ENTIRE BRAIN
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maybe you should ask him????? or would it be worse to know for sure..........
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Ugh, are you joking? I would sooner cut off my own ears than talk to Ashraf ever again about anything, let alone this.
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you sure that's what you want?
[If her tone could come across, it'd be genuinely curious. Yelling about fucking corpses is fine, but she does want to get Sonya to actually talk about what happened and how she feels about it.]
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Fuck him in the ear, right? He broke up with me for someone who tortured him just a few fucking weeks ago and called him a monster. Called ASHRAF a monster, I need to clarify that point, because it's fucking illogical. So, no, why would I associate with some fucking hang-me-on-the-cross martyr type?
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i wish it was
but.
[It's not]
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[It's remarkable how consistently she uses "screw over" in the places where others would say "hurt." Almost like she's substituting the one phrase for the other.]
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sometimes people are good to each other
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Yeah, well, I've never really experienced it. All I get, every day back home, is just people killing each other, hurting each other, destroying each other for money, for hatred, for boredom. And all I ever get is a lot of abuse for trying to do something about it. That's all I've ever gotten, ever since I was little. And here? It's just more of the same. Chatter about hanging high the people who just were trying to help us. And those few who have compassion for others just want to tear themselves to shreds.
Sometimes I wonder if the UE doesn't have the right of it.
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That sure is a text.
There's a delay from Steph's end, because she just as no idea how to respond to that. She's pretty sure Sonya doesn't mean the thing about the UE, but the rest of it rings true enough.]
not everyone's like that. and i think you know it, otherwise you wouldn't be trying to help make things better.
people are shitty, but people can be wonderful, too. and you were right, you know, about having to cut people out sometimes. but as soon as you decide you're gonna do that every time, no matter what, you're gonna miss out on the people who'll be better. relationships are hard, including friendships. they're not gonna be perfect from the start and you fuck things up sometimes before figuring out how to be good for each other.
1/2
I just don't know that, though. Are they? Wonderful? All I see, time and time again, is people trying to form themselves into their same brutal circles. When I got here, I really thought that things were going to be okay. I saw how things were so wide-open, and I thought, okay, just gotta be proactive, just gotta push, just gotta get things done, and then I can help push through a system I'm really proud of. Something without any shameful legacies, with no slavery, with no murder, no culling of giftless babies. And people seemed so wonderful when I got here, too - there was Ashraf, and he just seemed like a shining prince, and fuck, even Pinkman seemed like a revelation, someone genuinely kind and good. And the former turns out to be a cheating self-flagellating martyr and the latter tried to rape me when I tried to get him to put down the crackpipe.
I want to have faith in people. You're probably laughing derisively, I know, because I'm a shitty human being - and I am, I am a shitty person, I know that and I acknowledge it. But all I want to do, all I have ever wanted to do, is leverage a little bit of my shitty worthlessness into making life a little bit less awful for the people who deserve better.
But I can't. I can't do that. I don't know how. And you say they can be wonderful, and I've been told all my life they can be wonderful, but the only genuine kindness I've ever seen comes from kids. As soon as you grow up, you turn awful in one way or another.
2/2
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but people doing something shitty doesn't make them a shitty person, it just means they're human. no one's perfect, and fucking up sometimes doesn't mean they can't be wonderful. my best friend back home could be kind of a jerk to me sometimes, but she's an amazing person. she loves people so much, she believes the best in everyone even after a lot of shit. i think she's wonderful, and there are plenty of people like her. the whole human race is like her, sometimes they can be stupid and selfish and cruel, but they can be kind, too. you just have to take the bad with the good, cause the good is worth it, and it's worth fighting for.