controlledvariable | exsilium; ic inbox

[She pulls her knees up to her chest, shaking her head.]

No. If you're fine, so am I.

[She pauses, shifting slightly.]

I hope we didn't wake Saul up.

I'm sure he'll survive, even if we did.

[It's not like he has to be up super early or anything.

Anyway, that isn't important.]

You wanna talk about it, or do you want a distraction?

[Steph can do either.]

[She stops to take a moment to honestly think that through. Should she tell her? Can she build up enough nerve? While she doesn't know the answer to the first question, she suspects the second might be no. She frowns. Maybe something else that's been weighing on her mind.]

Can I ask you something?

[She shifts so she's facing Ahiru properly, leaning back against the arm of the couch.]

Of course.

[She looks up towards Steph when she sees the girl turn to face her, but quickly looks back down before she begins to speak. It takes her a moment to figure out exactly what to say - she's not used to opening herself up like this, but she feels like she might burst with everything going on lately.

When she speaks, her voice sounds curious, not betraying the emotion behind the question.]

So if you were, like... If you were sent to another world before this one and met somebody there and got really close to him, and then that same person showed up in this one but didn't remember you or that place, would you tell him?

[That's not quite what she was expecting, but it isn't entirely out of left field, either. While she's not familiar with the exact same circumstances, there have been times when someone's left Exsilium, and returned without memories, like Peter, even if they were from different universes.

She's quiet for a moment, weighing up her answer.]

I think I would. [For all Ahiru keeps the casual tone, Steph figures she's asking because it's something that's come up, so she's careful about her words.] I'd spend too much time worried about letting it slip, and 'cause I'd want to know, if I was in there position. You just have to make sure they know you don't expect anything of them.

I've thought about that, but... I don't know. I mean, with everything going on here, would that just be another thing to worry about? Like, if someone told me they recognized me from an entirely different world I'd never experienced, that'd freak me out.

[She nods. Nothing can be the same as it was.]

I'd make sure to tell him that, but I think he might be the kind of person to feel obligated no matter what I say. You know? So I just... I worry I'd ruin the chance we have to get to know each other again.

That might depend on whether they've gotten used to the concept of the multiverse. If someone said that to me, I'd just think it was another me, you know? One from a different universe, which is... weird to think about, but so's a lot of stuff we deal with.

[She wonders who Ahiru is talking about exactly, but she won't ask. If Ahiru wants to tell her, she will.]

I'm not sure if there's ever going to be a right choice in situations like this. [and she's not sure she can give any advice that'll make it better, but she can at least be here to help Ahiru talk it through.] Do you think you could convince them they don't need to feel obligated? Not straight away, but if you find ways to show them you're not expecting anything of them...

I don't think he has. At least, I don't think anybody has told him yet... But we haven't talked that much here. I mean, he's not very outgoing, and I thought he'd think it'd be weird if I talk to him all the time here while he doesn't know me very well at all.

I guess that's true... I mean, for a while this has seemed better, but maybe that's because it seems less permanent than the other option. I mean, I can tell him any time, but once I tell him, I can't take it back. But I just want to do what's best for him.

[She pauses.]

I don't know. I mean, he's the kind of person to try and make people happy even when he doesn't owe them anything. What kind of ways do you mean, though? I hadn't really thought about it.

Hey.

[Now she reaches out, taking one of Ahiru's hands in both of hers, running her thumb idly over Ahiru's knuckles.]

You've gotta do what's good for you, too. The version of him that you knew, I'm sure he'd want you to think about yourself, too.

[It's sort of hypocritical advice, but that doesn't make it bad advice; Steph's just sometimes not good at following it herself.

And she'll address the rest of it in a second, she just wants to get that across first.]

[She shakes her head.]

That's nice of you to say, and he would, but... I mean, either option isn't about changing things for me. Even if I told him, he still wouldn't remember or know me better than he does, so it's more about what's doing right for him. That's okay with me, though, so don't worry about it!

But it would change things, wouldn't it? It's pretty clear this is something that's weighing on you, and there's a risk in whatever you do, that you could lose the chance to have a friendship with him the second time around.

[She doesn't like bringing up that possibility, but it's not something that can be sugarcoated.]

So you're allowed to think about yourself, too.

Mm.

[The noise is thoughtful, and it's a moment before she speaks.]

I don't know. I mean, we were - more than friends, but not in the way that sounds. No matter what, we won't get what we had back. So for me, it's more important to do what's fair for him. That's what's going to make me happiest, too, knowing I didn't mess things up if he leaves.

[And that makes sense, even if she'd rather Ahiru be happy than some stranger she doesn't know, but that's kind of selfish and she knows it.]

I can get that. [She gives Ahiru's hands a gentle squeeze, then lets go.] If he's a good person, I hope he'd understand if you told him that he knew him. Do you think you'd feel better with the truth told, instead of feeling like you have to keep a secret from him?

I don't know... I think it depends how he would react. I mean, I'd hope he wouldn't freak out, but it's kind of a lot to spring on somebody, you know?

Maybe try breaking him into the idea of it slowly. Have you told him that you've been to another world before this one?

No, I haven't. We don't really talk that much.

Well, start by talking to him. You don't have to make a decision just yet, but if you get a feel for how he might handle the whole alternate universes deal, it'll be easier to decide what you wanna do.

Yeah, but how do I... I mean, if I bring that up out of nowhere, he'll think it's weird, won't he?

[A pause.]

And this is assuming I could even get the nerve to tell him if I thought it was the best thing.

You'd be surprised what can come up in conversation; you don't have to push it, but just remember if there's a chance, you should mention it.

[At the rest of wat Ahiru says, Steph smiles warmly.]

You're one of the bravest people I've met, duckling, I'm sure you'd do fine.

Okay, I'll remember that. Um... Thank you for listening, Steph.

[And most nights, she'd just smile and thank her for the second comment, but something makes her pause. When she speaks, it's curious, not self deprecating.]

Why do you think that?

No problem, I hope it helped a little.

[Even if she didn't have the perfect advice, she hopes that being a sounding board was helpful at least.]

Because you always believe the best in people, and you always have so much hope. That takes courage, especially when you've been through a lot.

It did. Really.

[Even if she doesn't know what she'll do, it was nice to have somebody listen.

She doesn't quite laugh at what Steph has, but she does smile, making a small noise of amusement.]

If I said I haven't really been through a lot, would you believe me?

Probably not. I don't know what the other world you were in was like, but if it was anything like Exsilium, it can't have been easy.

Well, it was pretty much completely different, if that helps. [A light laugh.]

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