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[controlledvariable]

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[controlledvariable]

[This is really bad.

At least it's easier to not look at him when he's standing behind her.]

I don't think that'd help.

[Maybe they'll both just ignore how rough her voice suddenly sounds.]

[5055034455]

[He probably shouldn't be standing out here in the wet cold like this with no jacket on after getting over an illness that almost killed him. This thought comes courtesy of the realization that he's shivering a little — not that he thinks the weather has anything to do with that, but it's good cover. It'll get him out of this situation, at least.

...except first he's going to bow his head, almost like he's about to kiss her shoulder. Again. It's too familiar a gesture, though, especially paired with the fact that he's still touching her arm like he was touching her arm back in his room that night, so he doesn't. Wants to, but doesn't.]

You should go back inside.

[Careful word choice: you, not we.]

[controlledvariable]

[Even not looking at him, Steph is still hyperaware of her surroundings, which right now mostly just includes rain and Saul, so she... kind of just stops breathing, as he leans in. She's expecting another kiss, and isn't sure what to do when it doesn't come.

The words take a moment to register, but she manages to nod after a moment.]

You planning to stay up here on your own?

[Because he said you.]

[5055034455]

[She should have taken that as her cue to move away, not just nod her head, because now he's — well, it's not quite a kiss, but his lips are definitely touching the fabric of what he suddenly remembers is his own coat. So when he speaks again, it's more of a mumble.]

For a little while, yeah. Might be a good idea...

[controlledvariable]

[How does this keep happening?]

You nearly died a few days ago, you shouldn't be out in the rain at all.

[She's just going to let her medic instincts take over and actually force her to move, which mean she's stepping away from Saul and turning to face him.]

C'mon.

[With a nod towards the roof exit; she will drag him inside if she has to.]

[5055034455]

[Because idiots.

He blinks at her when she turns as if slightly dazed, then shrugs his agreement and gestures: after you.

Now all he has to do is not try to get her back to his room. Not that he's planning to, but with the way things keep happening...

Luckily(?), he has enough presence of mind to acknowledge that that is the actual worst idea, that he shouldn't even tempt fate a little, so maybe he'll just avoid going back there entirely.]

[controlledvariable]

[As soon as she's inside, she shrugs off his coat and holds it out for him, her other hand twisting in her hair to wring it out, keeping her hands and herself busy because she's not sure if it's a good idea to actually - look at him.

She really should've just run down the stairs as soon as she was sure he was coming inside, but that would've been rude.]

[5055034455]

[They really need to learn to disregard social graces. Or Saul, at least, needs to remember how to be that kind of asshole again.

He takes his coat, makes a face when he realizes how wet it is, and gives it one good shake in a direction that won't spray either of them.

...except it does.]

Sorry.

[controlledvariable]

[She looks up in surprise when she gets flicked with water, but just shrugs after a moment, fishing an elastic from her pocket so she can tie her hair up in the messiest bun ever.]

S'fine, I don't think I could get wetter if I tried.

[5055034455]

[...yeah so he's just going to concentrate on fixing himself up now, from smoothing back his hair to straightening his shirt and frowning at his shoes. Good thing this pair isn't real leather, or they'd have been ruined months ago.

Priorities.]

So — you going back to your room?

[controlledvariable]

[Being in the same space as Ellie seems like a terrible idea right now, and her apprehension about that probably shows on her face.]

Might head to the Hold and put a few hours in. I lost a lot of muscle thanks to the whole... dying thing.

[Yep. Going back to having casual conversations as if he wasn't all up in her space a few moments ago.]

[5055034455]

Probably a good idea.

[Not a good idea: attempting to go with her. She just had to remind him of what happened, didn't she? And all that anxiety is stirred right back up, and —

It takes a moment, but Saul talks himself out of it.]

Keep me in the loop, okay?

[And then it hits him, that this might be the last time he has a chance to — do anything, really, without causing Stephanie too much guilt. Because he knows, as sure as he's ever known anything, how her conversation with Ellie is going to go. And that'll be it.

So he makes absolutely no movement to indicate that he's going anywhere, just yet.]

[controlledvariable]

I'm not the one who forgets to call.

[As she wraps her arms around herself, suddenly feeling a lot more bedraggled than she did when they were actually standing in the rain.

What she should do is go back to her apartment, shower, and curl up with Ellie, but instead she's just - watching Saul, dragging her lower lip between her teeth and trying to tell herself to just go.

It's surprisingly difficult, especially when it doesn't seem like he's planning to go anywhere.]

[5055034455]

[He's waiting for her to go. Why is she not going?

And is biting her lip like that really necessary I mean come on —

Saul takes a slow breath. He'd like to point out that he didn't forget because he was dying, but that thought is so far from his head right now it might as well be on another planet.

He fixates, sometimes, which means it's hard for him to change his mind once it's made up. This is why he can't not say what he's about to say even though he knows it's stupid as all hell:] C'mere.

[controlledvariable]

[What?

She looks up at him, frowning, and nearly takes a step closer, but the actually functioning part of her brain kicks in and tells her to stay exactly where she is.]

Why?

[A little wary, a lot unsure.]

[5055034455]

Why do you think?

[Might as well be honest... by not actually answering the question.

She must know why.]

[controlledvariable]

[She knows but she was trying to pretend not to.]

I'm sure we had a conversation about this.

[She's pleading just a little, because she's not sure she can do this again.]

[5055034455]

[Might as well clue her into his logic, not that it's going to help. He leans over, propping his shoulder against the wall, and folds his arms.]

Last chance, Steph.

[controlledvariable]

[She should just - leave. Walk down the stairs and not look back and maybe Saul wouldn't talk to her for a few weeks but she could apologize, eventually, once things are settled with Ellie.

But she doesn't, because she's an idiot, she just wraps her arms around herself and looks at the ground.]

I think the last chance would've been before Ellie kissed me.

[Not that anything was even happening with Saul, then.]

[5055034455]

[He studies her for a few seconds, then nods once.

Okay.]

Okay.

[Said like: That's it, then. Like it doesn't faze him, even though it does.]

[controlledvariable]

[Fuck.

The next thing she does is stupid, though probably not actually the stupdiest thing, because she's letting herself lean back against the wall. The stupid part is that she does it a bit roughly, her head thunking dully against the wall. It's just enough to hurt without actually doing any damage, but she feels better for it, staring up at the ceiling.]

Why can't you at least consistently be a dick about this?

[because he'll push and then not and this would be easier if she could just hate him.]

[5055034455]

[Yeah, that was pretty stupid, but not as stupid as asking that question. Because now his line of thinking is — okay. She wants me to be a dick? I can do that. He can give her plenty of reasons to hate him, and since it sounds a lot to him like that's what she wants...

He'll give it to her.

So he closes the distance between them with a few quick, long steps, slides a hand into her loosely-tied hair, and kisses her.]

[controlledvariable]

[She gives up.

It feels like it's never going to stop, that they'll just keep circling each other and making really fucking stupid decisions that leave things terrible and awkward, that she's going to keep dwelling on this even when things are sorted out with Ellie.

So while she should push him away or tell him to fuck off or do any number of things, what she does do, after a moment of tension, is kiss him back. She tries to tell herself that she's not cheating, because her and Ellie haven't discussed what they are or what's expected of them. It doesn't make her feel any less guilty, won't make her feel any less guilty, but it doesn't stop her from kissing him, either.]

[5055034455]

[Saul should be used to surprises by now, but he's not, because this is not... whatever he expected. A shove, her palm coming into painful contact with his cheek, her fist, her knee, anything to tell him hey, yeah, you fucked up real good this time and now it's over.

So there goes his last fuck, fluttering right out the door. He said it himself: last chance.

His fingers curl against her head, his other hand coming to rest on her hip as he presses a little closer.]

[controlledvariable]

[This sure is up there on the list of really bad decisions she's made, but she's finding it really hard to care. It's fine, Ellie doesn't need to find out and Steph can just hate herself and get Helena to beat her up some more.

It's fine.

It's so fine that she's even finally settling her hands somewhere instead of holding them awkwardly at her sides, and nevermind if that somewhere happens to involve gripping Saul's shirt. Nevermind that she's still kissing him.]