right um... god this is really awkward so just bear with me okay?
i kind of... figured out what happened. and you said you feel guilty when we talked but i didnt know why then but now that everything sort of makes more sense i wanted to... i dont know maybe talk about it.
i just think that... god give me a minute to think here
the last time someone locked me in a closet i almost killed someone. a friend of mine. i attacked her and she would have died if scott hadnt come and let me out. he had to hold me down until i regained control.
and it sucked. and i felt really guilty but she said she was fine. the person i attacked said it wasnt my fault and they both forgave me like that.
because sometimes when you need to get out you lose it. i... i know how it feels to not be able to breathe anymore. i know how you lose control and youll do anything to open that lid- door whatever. youre not you, youre just a trapped animal and your mind is gone.
so its stupid to blame yourself. you know and i know that youre a logical, smart person. we both know that youre more than capable. if anyone ever blames you for what happened then you just look at them and know that they have never felt the way you have
and then hit them because they're wrong. but that's beside the point
That isn't what she expected at all, even though she knew Isaac wasn't a fan of being restrained, it's still--
Of course she blames herself, because she keeps telling herself that she should have kept calm, that she should have called someone sooner instead of panicking and trying to force her way. Batgirl should be better than that.
But she forces herself to stop that train of thought for a moment and remember what she said to Sonya.
Tell me what he did to me was nothing>/i>.
And she thinks of saying what she's thinking to Isaac, telling him that it was his fault he hurt his friend, and she can't. She wouldn't, because it's not true, because he's right with everything he's saying. And she needs to stop being a hypocrite.
It's so much easier to hear from someone who gets it, not just Saul or Tempest or Ros saying it wasn't her fault. Isaac isn't just saying it to placate her or make her feel better, he's been there, he knows what it feels like, and if he's forgiven himself, so can she.]
when i was younger my dad used to lock me in the closet if i did something to piss him off.
so when i ended up in the closet i just. forgot. i forgot about everything that wasn't being back there and being scared that he'd never let me out.
i keep telling myself i should've had more control, but it's not that easy, is it? you're right, about being gone.
so um, thank you. other people have said it's not my fault but i don't think they really get it. and this made me realize i need to stop being so hard on myself. so yeah, thanks. i know this shit isn't easy to talk about, so i really appreciate it.
and i'll definitely punch the next person who says it's my fault
[This hits a little too close to home, and Isaac has to force himself to keep reading after the first line of her response, his jaw set tight as he reads over her writing. And it makes sense. All of it makes sense, especially when he things about Steph in that close- when he thinks about himself in the closet, in that freezer.
Isaac doesn't know how to respond. He's not really good at talking about this part of himself, but he's glad that she's receptive to what he has to say. He considers ending it there, but that would be rude, and the last thing he wants to do is start more misunderstandings.
Besides, this isn't about him at all. He doesn't have to make this about him.]
good. im glad i could help.
i get it. trust me i do. if you ever want to talk about anything im here. even if its just swapping horror stories over a beer or something, i dunno.
and if you never want to talk thats fine too. either way i get it. and uh... i dont think of you any differently either- you should know that.
everything is happening to everyone else, not me. i dont have much to complain about all things considered
[Except for, you know, one of his friends being in jail because she apparently locked another friend in a closet, which puts everything in a new light and Peter doesn't know what to do and Scott isn't here and nobody will let him punch Jesse.
But again, none of those are really his problems. Except maybe the last one.]
no i do feel better. i mean it's not an instant fix but i was sort of doing the reverse of this the other day so i'm trying not to be a hypocrite and trying to tell the guilt to shut up and be logical about it. which is a work in progress but what you said helped, hearing it from someone who gets it instead of someone just trying to make me stop feeling bad
[which isn't to say that Isaac isn't trying to stop her from feeling bad, but the fact he can empathize makes it easier to believe.]
noted. and that makes sense. thanks for the honesty i guess
i mean im pretty sure its okay to feel what youre going to feel. getting mad at yourself because you cant stop feeling guilty is just going to make things worse. stuff like this takes awhile to go away, i think its okay if it's not magically better overnight
Speaking of which, she honestly isn't sure what to do with his words. She stares at them for a long, long moment, because he's right, again, but she stil can't quite help feeling that way. Again.
All her friends want her to be okay, and she gets that, she wants the same for them, but it's hard. She's working on it, she's trying, but it's such a relief for someone to say that it's okay for things to take time, that he's not expecting her to be magically better.]
thank you. i didn't even realize i needed to hear that but i really fucking did.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
controlledvariable) wrote2014-02-02 07:59 pm
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and i am, yeah. what's up?
1/2
i kind of... figured out what happened. and you said you feel guilty when we talked but i didnt know why then but now that everything sort of makes more sense i wanted to... i dont know maybe talk about it.
i just think that... god give me a minute to think here
no subject
and it sucked. and i felt really guilty but she said she was fine. the person i attacked said it wasnt my fault and they both forgave me like that.
because sometimes when you need to get out you lose it. i... i know how it feels to not be able to breathe anymore. i know how you lose control and youll do anything to open that lid- door whatever. youre not you, youre just a trapped animal and your mind is gone.
so its stupid to blame yourself. you know and i know that youre a logical, smart person. we both know that youre more than capable. if anyone ever blames you for what happened then you just look at them and know that they have never felt the way you have
and then hit them because they're wrong. but that's beside the point
no subject
That isn't what she expected at all, even though she knew Isaac wasn't a fan of being restrained, it's still--
Of course she blames herself, because she keeps telling herself that she should have kept calm, that she should have called someone sooner instead of panicking and trying to force her way. Batgirl should be better than that.
But she forces herself to stop that train of thought for a moment and remember what she said to Sonya.
Tell me what he did to me was nothing>/i>.
And she thinks of saying what she's thinking to Isaac, telling him that it was his fault he hurt his friend, and she can't. She wouldn't, because it's not true, because he's right with everything he's saying. And she needs to stop being a hypocrite.
It's so much easier to hear from someone who gets it, not just Saul or Tempest or Ros saying it wasn't her fault. Isaac isn't just saying it to placate her or make her feel better, he's been there, he knows what it feels like, and if he's forgiven himself, so can she.]
when i was younger my dad used to lock me in the closet if i did something to piss him off.
so when i ended up in the closet i just. forgot. i forgot about everything that wasn't being back there and being scared that he'd never let me out.
i keep telling myself i should've had more control, but it's not that easy, is it? you're right, about being gone.
so um, thank you. other people have said it's not my fault but i don't think they really get it. and this made me realize i need to stop being so hard on myself. so yeah, thanks. i know this shit isn't easy to talk about, so i really appreciate it.
and i'll definitely punch the next person who says it's my fault
no subject
Isaac doesn't know how to respond. He's not really good at talking about this part of himself, but he's glad that she's receptive to what he has to say. He considers ending it there, but that would be rude, and the last thing he wants to do is start more misunderstandings.
Besides, this isn't about him at all. He doesn't have to make this about him.]
good. im glad i could help.
i get it. trust me i do. if you ever want to talk about anything im here. even if its just swapping horror stories over a beer or something, i dunno.
and if you never want to talk thats fine too. either way i get it. and uh... i dont think of you any differently either- you should know that.
oh my poor html
i might take you up on one of those offers one day
and thanks.
have you been doing okay, isaac? i keep meaning to check in but you know how it is
[everything keeps being horrendously fucked up.]
shh you're fine <3
everything is happening to everyone else, not me. i dont have much to complain about all things considered
[Except for, you know, one of his friends being in jail because she apparently locked another friend in a closet, which puts everything in a new light and Peter doesn't know what to do and Scott isn't here and nobody will let him punch Jesse.
But again, none of those are really his problems. Except maybe the last one.]
:|
i'm here for you, too, you know? if you need to talk or not talk or puch something
<3!
but ill let you know okay?
<3333 i guess
yeah. you know my number, and you could probably track me down even if you forgot it, i'm sure
[werewolves???]
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seriously though. do you feel any better or are you just saying that so i dont worry about you?
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no i do feel better. i mean it's not an instant fix but i was sort of doing the reverse of this the other day so i'm trying not to be a hypocrite and trying to tell the guilt to shut up and be logical about it. which is a work in progress but what you said helped, hearing it from someone who gets it instead of someone just trying to make me stop feeling bad
[which isn't to say that Isaac isn't trying to stop her from feeling bad, but the fact he can empathize makes it easier to believe.]
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i mean im pretty sure its okay to feel what youre going to feel. getting mad at yourself because you cant stop feeling guilty is just going to make things worse. stuff like this takes awhile to go away, i think its okay if it's not magically better overnight
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[The honesty.
Speaking of which, she honestly isn't sure what to do with his words. She stares at them for a long, long moment, because he's right, again, but she stil can't quite help feeling that way. Again.
All her friends want her to be okay, and she gets that, she wants the same for them, but it's hard. She's working on it, she's trying, but it's such a relief for someone to say that it's okay for things to take time, that he's not expecting her to be magically better.]
thank you. i didn't even realize i needed to hear that but i really fucking did.
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[No, Isaac. You're not. You just got lucky and you know exactly how this feels and how to sort of get through it.]
dont rush it. just let it happen day by day, that kind of thing. in the meantime you should come get some food with me
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[She's just teasing.]
i'll try, thank you. but i'm gonna have to take a raincheck on food, i'm kinda tied up right now
[guarding/babysitting Dick]
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...right
i guess ill see you around then
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Goddamn texting she is so bad at it.]
i was just teasing, with the first part. sorry if it didn't, um. work?
and i really can't leave where i am right now, i'm not blowing you off or anything. i've gotta look after someone.
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ill see you around though okay?
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i'll make you dinner or something when i'm not on babysitting duty
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offer me food and i will probably never leave
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maybe you can show me a thing or two. i should probably learn how to cook someday
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[She can cook fancier things than that, but it seems like a good place to start.]
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