[it's not until steph opens the door that peter realizes he really ought to have an excuse for being here beyond so apparently my swadisthana is tuned into you, and god i really hope that's part of this weapon deal... and he doesn't. so he shrugs and offers a wry smile.]
All quiet on the western front. Just hadn't heard from you in awhile and I was out walking anyway.
so rude. also i may have to wibblywobbly timeywimey on this depending how other things play out :|a
Definitely getting into mom territory, but it's kinda nice to know I'm not the only one.
[Again with the attempt at lightness that falls flat; there's something too tired in her tone, maybe even a little too bitter.
It's not-- she knows it's not Dick or Ahiru's fault, that neither of them asked for her to worry about them so much, but she can't seem to help feeling frustrated.]
I'm fine. [no she's not] You want a cup of tea or something warm?
[he makes an amused sound, but the boots come off. they even get lined up neatly by the door, because his mother would've thwapped him for just tossing his boots around someone else's entranceway. he's quiet for a moment after she delivers the news about jesse.]
Huh.
[that's something, but it doesn't quite add up. steph cares about jesse, he knows that, and jesse certainly cares (cared?) about steph. but jesse is also a dangerous liability and things had definitely not been going well for him lately. peter's not even sure what his own feelings are about jesse pinkman, who fed him and taught him to cook a bit, who gave him the power that saved isaac's life, and who is crazy and too powerful and basically impossible to control.]
Are things any better for him at home than they were here?
[Which would almost be funny, all things considered, if it wasn't so fucking depressing. Jesse's back in Walter's clutches back home, at least until he dies, and he's dead here anyway.
She wonders what he was thinking when he killed himself, if he was trying to punish them for what he seemed to think was betrayal, or if he just didn't want to be alive anymore.]
Saul is-- [She looks at Peter, then looks away, not sure how to finish that sentence. After the first round of tears, Saul has seemed okay, mostly, but all that does is make Steph worry he's burying it.
She shrugs.] Babs is gone, too. Someone from back home, so I'll see her again, I just - needed her.
[peter just nods, because what do you say? on one hand, it really fucking sucks. on the other, he's back to the life he's supposed to be living, and certainly solves the problem of what to do about jesse.]
That's some shitty timing. Pretty sure it's all right to need people, y'know. Seems to be the moral of my past six months.
[She doesn't even hesitate, just closes the distance between herseld and Peter, winding her arms around his waist as she hides her face against the crook of his neck.]
[he wraps one arm around her, the other hand coming up to pet her hair. his face is cold but his neck is warm, and of course his aura is there as always, inviting calm without forcing it.]
[he twists a strand of her hair around one finger. steph isn't really anything like letha, but sometimes she reminds peter of her anyway.]
You can be someone's mom or you can be their friend, but you can't be both. If you're gonna be mom, you let them do shit and fuck up and then yell and hug 'em because they're your kids and for some reason you decided to love 'em no matter what. If you're gonna be a friend, you let them do shit and fuck up and then you hang around while they sort their own shit out.
[The gesture is appreciated, it's soothing, and she just sighs and hopes Saul doesn't decide to come home right now, because this doesn't exactly look good.]
I would, yeah. I mean - I'd still worry, but I wouldn't be constantly thinking about it like I do when they're not here.
[She wouldn't stay up until four am, lying awake until she hears Dick sneak back in.]
I don't wanna be anyone's mom, but I dunno how not to be.
And it's not like they've got somewhere else to go.
[he sighs, tightens his arm around her back.]
Let them take their hits, Steph. You can love them and still let them take their hits. You should, even, because that's how we grow up. Doing right by somebody isn't wrapping them in cotton wool so they can't get banged up. You said Dick is older, at home, right? So whatever dumb shit he's doing, he comes out okay. I doubt Exsilium is more dangerous than a city that needs a whole army of vigilantes.
[peter hadn't thought about it until afterwards, how scared his mother must have been. there'd been too much of his own fear to worry about anybody else's.]
It's not your job to save everyone from everything, girl wonder.
[Maybe they could both find somewhere else, but Steph wouldn't dream of asking them to leave, but she doesn't bother to say that, because she's sure Peter knows it already.]
Exsilium's so much worse than home. Least back there we had morals.
[At least they didn't wipe out millions of people, at least they don't have to kill civilians. She's terrified of Dick having to do the things she's done.]
[that's what he meant as much as anything else, yes.]
Don't hang the people who live here for the shit we're doing. They don't even know. And you know, your kids can choose. Should they have to? I donno, take that up with God or the Initiative.
You can't protect people from themselves. You just can't. People gonna be who they are.
No, I know, I just-- [Didn't know how else to put it.
Anything else she might have said is lost to that you can't protect people from themselves, when all it does it make her think of Jesse. She still doesn't know how to reconcile how much she loved him with the things he did. It was easier to ignore it, to walk away from him and try not to dwell on it, but now he's dead.
Saul might blame himself for not having done enough, but Steph wonders if she did too much, she woners how badly Jesse took her deciding to cut him out of her life. She knows it isn't just because of her, god knows she wasn't that important, but she can't help but think it might have contributed.
So that hits too hard, too close, and she fists her hands in the back of Peter's shirt and tries not to burst into tears. She can't say anything, she doesn't trust her voice.]
[peter rests his chin against steph's temple and his hand on the back of her head.]
It's okay.
[there's nothing placating in his tone. he's not saying it to shush her, he doesn't mean that things are okay. he means crying is okay, being upset is okay, being sad and lost and overwhelmed is okay. because he's pretty sure that steph needs explicit permission to not be brave and strong and stoic for a minute.]
[He's right, mostly, but the real reason that Steph fights the tears is because she's so fucking sick of crying. It feels like that's all she's done for the past few weeks, and it's exhausting.
She focuses on Peter's aura, that calmness lingering on the edge of her awareness. She forces herself to breathe steady and to let it wash over her; it doesn't make anything better, but it takes the edge off her distress, makes it easier to be rational.
It takes a while, long minutes of Steph just holding onto Peter as she breathes, but eventually the urge to cry passes, and she manages to loosen her grip on him.]
Sorry, I'm okay.
[And she does mean that even if maybe there's an unspoken for now tacked on the end.]
[he just stands there and lets her have as long as she needs. really, he doesn't know what else to do, of there even is anything else to do. he wonders if there's not more going on here, but it doesn't really make a difference. standing there and holding her while his weapon does its work is hardly a hardship, as things go. destiny once lectured him at length about how most men are 'fixers', desperate to solve any situation that causes a woman to be emotional. peter is not a fixer. he's got a handle on what's his problem and what isn't, what is his to fix and what isn't. when her hands relax he lightens his hold on her, but doesn't move away.]
[She's just grateful that he's there. That he isn't asking for anything from her right now, because sometimes it feels like too many people need something from her. It's part of why she was drawn to Saul in the first place; it never felt like he needed her in the same way some of her friends did.
And Peter is similar, especially with the added knowledge that she likely won't have to watch his back in a fight, because generally he's smart enough to avoid them.]
If that means 'sweetheart', I swear to god...
[She actually manages to sound a little amused, huffing a laugh against Peter's skin.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
controlledvariable) wrote2014-02-02 07:59 pm
damn americans and our backwards dating o9"
All quiet on the western front. Just hadn't heard from you in awhile and I was out walking anyway.
so rude. also i may have to wibblywobbly timeywimey on this depending how other things play out :|a
Am I gonna have to start texting you every couple of days just to make sure you don't worry?
[But she's stepping back and gesturing for him to come in, because even if things are a mess right now, that's no reason not to be polite.]
no worries! just let me know when it wobbles over to.
[which is to say, probably yes. he steps inside and takes off his hat and gloves, shoving them into the pocket of his jacket.]
Real question is, are you okay?
no i will keep it a secret
[Again with the attempt at lightness that falls flat; there's something too tired in her tone, maybe even a little too bitter.
It's not-- she knows it's not Dick or Ahiru's fault, that neither of them asked for her to worry about them so much, but she can't seem to help feeling frustrated.]
I'm fine. [no she's not] You want a cup of tea or something warm?
[yes good diversion well done]
but but but ;_;
Yeah, that'd be good.
[he'll just follow her into the kitchen or whatever and take up a lean against the counter.]
You're kind of a crap liar though, girl wonder.
you will never know mwahahahaha
Boots off, please.
[Just - yep.
She offers an apologetic smile, before heading into the kitchen, filling up the kettle and setting it to boil.
At the comment, she just sighs.]
I'm good at it sometimes.
[When she has the energy, or if it feels important enough to lie about, neither of which are happening right now.]
Jesse's gone home.
[There's a lie told well.]
;_________________;
Huh.
[that's something, but it doesn't quite add up. steph cares about jesse, he knows that, and jesse certainly cares (cared?) about steph. but jesse is also a dangerous liability and things had definitely not been going well for him lately. peter's not even sure what his own feelings are about jesse pinkman, who fed him and taught him to cook a bit, who gave him the power that saved isaac's life, and who is crazy and too powerful and basically impossible to control.]
Are things any better for him at home than they were here?
d w i
[Which would almost be funny, all things considered, if it wasn't so fucking depressing. Jesse's back in Walter's clutches back home, at least until he dies, and he's dead here anyway.
She wonders what he was thinking when he killed himself, if he was trying to punish them for what he seemed to think was betrayal, or if he just didn't want to be alive anymore.]
Saul is-- [She looks at Peter, then looks away, not sure how to finish that sentence. After the first round of tears, Saul has seemed okay, mostly, but all that does is make Steph worry he's burying it.
She shrugs.] Babs is gone, too. Someone from back home, so I'll see her again, I just - needed her.
[Which is so selfish, but it's true.]
somean
That's some shitty timing. Pretty sure it's all right to need people, y'know. Seems to be the moral of my past six months.
Come here.
[that's more of a question than an order.]
you love it
I don't know how to do this.
[She's not really talking about Jesse or Babs.]
well...yeah.
Do which? You've kind of got a lot of thises.
treat 'em mean, something something condoning abuse
[It's exhausting.]
no subject
[he twists a strand of her hair around one finger. steph isn't really anything like letha, but sometimes she reminds peter of her anyway.]
You can be someone's mom or you can be their friend, but you can't be both. If you're gonna be mom, you let them do shit and fuck up and then yell and hug 'em because they're your kids and for some reason you decided to love 'em no matter what. If you're gonna be a friend, you let them do shit and fuck up and then you hang around while they sort their own shit out.
no subject
I would, yeah. I mean - I'd still worry, but I wouldn't be constantly thinking about it like I do when they're not here.
[She wouldn't stay up until four am, lying awake until she hears Dick sneak back in.]
I don't wanna be anyone's mom, but I dunno how not to be.
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And it's not like they've got somewhere else to go.
[he sighs, tightens his arm around her back.]
Let them take their hits, Steph. You can love them and still let them take their hits. You should, even, because that's how we grow up. Doing right by somebody isn't wrapping them in cotton wool so they can't get banged up. You said Dick is older, at home, right? So whatever dumb shit he's doing, he comes out okay. I doubt Exsilium is more dangerous than a city that needs a whole army of vigilantes.
[peter hadn't thought about it until afterwards, how scared his mother must have been. there'd been too much of his own fear to worry about anybody else's.]
It's not your job to save everyone from everything, girl wonder.
no subject
Exsilium's so much worse than home. Least back there we had morals.
[At least they didn't wipe out millions of people, at least they don't have to kill civilians. She's terrified of Dick having to do the things she's done.]
I should be able to protect the people I love.
no subject
Don't hang the people who live here for the shit we're doing. They don't even know. And you know, your kids can choose. Should they have to? I donno, take that up with God or the Initiative.
You can't protect people from themselves. You just can't. People gonna be who they are.
no subject
Anything else she might have said is lost to that you can't protect people from themselves, when all it does it make her think of Jesse. She still doesn't know how to reconcile how much she loved him with the things he did. It was easier to ignore it, to walk away from him and try not to dwell on it, but now he's dead.
Saul might blame himself for not having done enough, but Steph wonders if she did too much, she woners how badly Jesse took her deciding to cut him out of her life. She knows it isn't just because of her, god knows she wasn't that important, but she can't help but think it might have contributed.
So that hits too hard, too close, and she fists her hands in the back of Peter's shirt and tries not to burst into tears. She can't say anything, she doesn't trust her voice.]
no subject
It's okay.
[there's nothing placating in his tone. he's not saying it to shush her, he doesn't mean that things are okay. he means crying is okay, being upset is okay, being sad and lost and overwhelmed is okay. because he's pretty sure that steph needs explicit permission to not be brave and strong and stoic for a minute.]
no subject
She focuses on Peter's aura, that calmness lingering on the edge of her awareness. She forces herself to breathe steady and to let it wash over her; it doesn't make anything better, but it takes the edge off her distress, makes it easier to be rational.
It takes a while, long minutes of Steph just holding onto Peter as she breathes, but eventually the urge to cry passes, and she manages to loosen her grip on him.]
Sorry, I'm okay.
[And she does mean that even if maybe there's an unspoken for now tacked on the end.]
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I know you're okay, vitazajka.
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And Peter is similar, especially with the added knowledge that she likely won't have to watch his back in a fight, because generally he's smart enough to avoid them.]
If that means 'sweetheart', I swear to god...
[She actually manages to sound a little amused, huffing a laugh against Peter's skin.]
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Hardly. I like my balls where they are. Think of it as another version of girl wonder.
[it means heroine, but peter hasn't been telling anyone what their nicknames mean, it would be unfair to start now.]
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I wasn't gonna hurt you for it, s'just funny that people keep calling me that.
[Two people doesn't necessarily make a lot of people, but it does when no one really uses terms of endearment with her.
She can live with a version of girl wonder, though.]
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Well, it's pretty accurate.
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i just can't win with html lately
i only html correctly because i c&p
you are smarter than i am
i think the word you were looking for is 'lazy'
there's a fine line between lazy and efficient
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