exsilium; ic inbox

[controlledvariable]

text | audio | video

Comments

d w i

[controlledvariable]

Worse.

[Which would almost be funny, all things considered, if it wasn't so fucking depressing. Jesse's back in Walter's clutches back home, at least until he dies, and he's dead here anyway.

She wonders what he was thinking when he killed himself, if he was trying to punish them for what he seemed to think was betrayal, or if he just didn't want to be alive anymore.]

Saul is-- [She looks at Peter, then looks away, not sure how to finish that sentence. After the first round of tears, Saul has seemed okay, mostly, but all that does is make Steph worry he's burying it.

She shrugs.] Babs is gone, too. Someone from back home, so I'll see her again, I just - needed her.

[Which is so selfish, but it's true.]

somean

[werewolfing]

[peter just nods, because what do you say? on one hand, it really fucking sucks. on the other, he's back to the life he's supposed to be living, and certainly solves the problem of what to do about jesse.]

That's some shitty timing. Pretty sure it's all right to need people, y'know. Seems to be the moral of my past six months.

Come here.

[that's more of a question than an order.]

you love it

[controlledvariable]

[She doesn't even hesitate, just closes the distance between herseld and Peter, winding her arms around his waist as she hides her face against the crook of his neck.]

I don't know how to do this.

[She's not really talking about Jesse or Babs.]

well...yeah.

[werewolfing]

[he wraps one arm around her, the other hand coming up to pet her hair. his face is cold but his neck is warm, and of course his aura is there as always, inviting calm without forcing it.]

Do which? You've kind of got a lot of thises.

treat 'em mean, something something condoning abuse

[controlledvariable]

I thought it'd be good, having Ahiru and Dick here where I can keep an eye on them and look after them, but all I do is worry. All the time.

[It's exhausting.]

[werewolfing]

Would you worry less if they were somewhere else?

[he twists a strand of her hair around one finger. steph isn't really anything like letha, but sometimes she reminds peter of her anyway.]

You can be someone's mom or you can be their friend, but you can't be both. If you're gonna be mom, you let them do shit and fuck up and then yell and hug 'em because they're your kids and for some reason you decided to love 'em no matter what. If you're gonna be a friend, you let them do shit and fuck up and then you hang around while they sort their own shit out.

[controlledvariable]

[The gesture is appreciated, it's soothing, and she just sighs and hopes Saul doesn't decide to come home right now, because this doesn't exactly look good.]

I would, yeah. I mean - I'd still worry, but I wouldn't be constantly thinking about it like I do when they're not here.

[She wouldn't stay up until four am, lying awake until she hears Dick sneak back in.]

I don't wanna be anyone's mom, but I dunno how not to be.

[werewolfing]

[peter hums a soft sound.]

And it's not like they've got somewhere else to go.

[he sighs, tightens his arm around her back.]

Let them take their hits, Steph. You can love them and still let them take their hits. You should, even, because that's how we grow up. Doing right by somebody isn't wrapping them in cotton wool so they can't get banged up. You said Dick is older, at home, right? So whatever dumb shit he's doing, he comes out okay. I doubt Exsilium is more dangerous than a city that needs a whole army of vigilantes.

[peter hadn't thought about it until afterwards, how scared his mother must have been. there'd been too much of his own fear to worry about anybody else's.]

It's not your job to save everyone from everything, girl wonder.

[controlledvariable]

[Maybe they could both find somewhere else, but Steph wouldn't dream of asking them to leave, but she doesn't bother to say that, because she's sure Peter knows it already.]

Exsilium's so much worse than home. Least back there we had morals.

[At least they didn't wipe out millions of people, at least they don't have to kill civilians. She's terrified of Dick having to do the things she's done.]

I should be able to protect the people I love.

[werewolfing]

[that's what he meant as much as anything else, yes.]

Don't hang the people who live here for the shit we're doing. They don't even know. And you know, your kids can choose. Should they have to? I donno, take that up with God or the Initiative.

You can't protect people from themselves. You just can't. People gonna be who they are.

[controlledvariable]

No, I know, I just-- [Didn't know how else to put it.

Anything else she might have said is lost to that you can't protect people from themselves, when all it does it make her think of Jesse. She still doesn't know how to reconcile how much she loved him with the things he did. It was easier to ignore it, to walk away from him and try not to dwell on it, but now he's dead.

Saul might blame himself for not having done enough, but Steph wonders if she did too much, she woners how badly Jesse took her deciding to cut him out of her life. She knows it isn't just because of her, god knows she wasn't that important, but she can't help but think it might have contributed.

So that hits too hard, too close, and she fists her hands in the back of Peter's shirt and tries not to burst into tears. She can't say anything, she doesn't trust her voice.]

[werewolfing]

[peter rests his chin against steph's temple and his hand on the back of her head.]

It's okay.

[there's nothing placating in his tone. he's not saying it to shush her, he doesn't mean that things are okay. he means crying is okay, being upset is okay, being sad and lost and overwhelmed is okay. because he's pretty sure that steph needs explicit permission to not be brave and strong and stoic for a minute.]

[controlledvariable]

[He's right, mostly, but the real reason that Steph fights the tears is because she's so fucking sick of crying. It feels like that's all she's done for the past few weeks, and it's exhausting.

She focuses on Peter's aura, that calmness lingering on the edge of her awareness. She forces herself to breathe steady and to let it wash over her; it doesn't make anything better, but it takes the edge off her distress, makes it easier to be rational.

It takes a while, long minutes of Steph just holding onto Peter as she breathes, but eventually the urge to cry passes, and she manages to loosen her grip on him.]

Sorry, I'm okay.

[And she does mean that even if maybe there's an unspoken for now tacked on the end.]

[werewolfing]

[he just stands there and lets her have as long as she needs. really, he doesn't know what else to do, of there even is anything else to do. he wonders if there's not more going on here, but it doesn't really make a difference. standing there and holding her while his weapon does its work is hardly a hardship, as things go. destiny once lectured him at length about how most men are 'fixers', desperate to solve any situation that causes a woman to be emotional. peter is not a fixer. he's got a handle on what's his problem and what isn't, what is his to fix and what isn't. when her hands relax he lightens his hold on her, but doesn't move away.]

I know you're okay, vitazajka.

[controlledvariable]

[She's just grateful that he's there. That he isn't asking for anything from her right now, because sometimes it feels like too many people need something from her. It's part of why she was drawn to Saul in the first place; it never felt like he needed her in the same way some of her friends did.

And Peter is similar, especially with the added knowledge that she likely won't have to watch his back in a fight, because generally he's smart enough to avoid them.]

If that means 'sweetheart', I swear to god...

[She actually manages to sound a little amused, huffing a laugh against Peter's skin.]

[werewolfing]

[he gives a little laugh, shaking his head.]

Hardly. I like my balls where they are. Think of it as another version of girl wonder.

[it means heroine, but peter hasn't been telling anyone what their nicknames mean, it would be unfair to start now.]

[controlledvariable]

[She bumps her nose against his jaw, almost playfully.]

I wasn't gonna hurt you for it, s'just funny that people keep calling me that.

[Two people doesn't necessarily make a lot of people, but it does when no one really uses terms of endearment with her.

She can live with a version of girl wonder, though.]

[werewolfing]

[he lets out a little laugh, turning his head so that the corner of his mouth rests against her temple for a moment as he smiles.]

Well, it's pretty accurate.

[controlledvariable]

I had to get the tablet to translate those for me, too. I know like five languages but Yiddish, Persian, and your particular Romani dialect are unfortunately not among them.

[ps suck it peter she's gonna remember what he called her and using the translate function on the tablet.]

[werewolfing]

I'm probably the only person on this whole planet who does, and I'm not fluent. The folks I found are close enough, though. Someone around here speaks Persian? Wow.

[controlledvariable]

[She tries to think of something to say to that first part, but it's just - kind of sad, that Peter might be the only person left who speaks that language. So she just leaves it, instead of trying to fumble with words, and focuses on the other part.]

Sonya does. Or at least she knows how to say 'sweetheart', I dunno how fluent she is.

[werewolfing]

[it's something peter's pretty much come to terms with. but he's certainly not the only one in the position of being the only of their kind amongst the transports, and thus in this world. if anything, he counts himself lucky that it's not obvious for him like it is for the non-humans.]

Huh. Guess that fits with her name. What languages do you know?

[controlledvariable]

The only one I'm properly fluent in is Spanish, but I can make it throught conversations in French, Russian, Chinese, and Italian. Most of 'em I know 'cause of the criminals we deal with back home, but I had to brush up on my Russian and French here. [a beat] Oh, and ASL, I'm actually pretty good at that now, thanks to Atlas.

[Even after she realized he could speak, she kept practicing her sign language because it clearly made Donny uncomfortable to speak while he was being Atlas.]

[werewolfing]

That's pretty cool. Who's Atlas?

[peter has actually seen donny in superhero mode, but they had a conversation and donny never gave him his code name.]

[controlledvariable]

One of the superheroes floating around. [Donny is gone, actually, and it seems like he sort of loosened up on the secret ID, but she'll still be careful.] Got a whole Greek theme going on, tosses fire around, doesn't talk much.

[She should probably stop holding onto Peter now that the urge to burst into tears has passed, but she's too comfortable.]