controlledvariable | exsilium; ic inbox

It doesn't realy, sorry.

[Whether he could or not, the fact it's there still feels like a threat.

She sighs and drops her head to her knees, curling in on herself and tangling her fingers in her hair while she tries to--

She doesn't know, she's just so tired.]

I'm sorry.

[It's mumbled against her knees, but loud enough that he should be able to hear it, still.]

[he shrugs. he'd really like a cigarette, if just for something to do with himself.]

It's fine. Not your fault. Shit's gonna be what it is, y'know? I'm not mad.

[it's pretty hard for peter to get mad, lately, but he'll leave that out.]

Maybe you should be.

[Mad, or even just annoyed, or something.

She looks over at him again, head resting on her knees.]

Sorry. Again. I'm just tired.

[he meets her eyes, and that calm, wise thing is still there. it can't touch her, not across the room, but for those few heartbeats it's more like looking at the wolf than the boy. then peter blinks and looks away, and he's just a seventeen year old kid who's got friends on two sides of a fight he doesn't agree with.]

Tell me one useful thing getting mad's going to do and I'll think about it. You've heard my opinion. It hasn't changed.

[which is the first he's ever acknowledged the conversation they had before the moon.]

[She looks away first.]

I don't know.

[She feels like a mess and she hates it; she hates that Sonya was right about her, she hates that she can't just be better when that's what people need of her.

Getting mad doesn't do anything, but it's all she ever seems to do.

Without saying anything, she pushes herself off the bed, walks over to him and unceremoniously drops down beside him, leaning her head on his shoulder.

It's the best she can offer.]

[he's surprised, surprised enough that he goes absolutely still for a moment. then his shoulder relaxes beneath her head. it's another dozen heartbeats or so before he reaches across his own body and lightly pets her hair. steph's probably seen him do the exact same thing to peace.

this close, the aura of him is obvious to anyone looking for it. but there's nothing forceful about it. it's a quiet thing, not pushing out anything she's feeling so much as making it easier for her to let those things go, to feel like she's in some sort of control again. kind of a cross between the calm of meditation and the comfort of a teddybear or snuggling a beloved pet.]

Not knowing is all right.

[It's a choice.

She repeats that over and over in her head as his aura skirts on the edge of her awareness. This isn't like Max taking anything away; she's in control, she chose to walk over to him and now she can feel his aura and she can choose to let it work.

She exhales slowly.]

Thank god for that, 'cause I don't know much of anything, these days.

[peter knows what she's doing, that there's probably a whole little war going on in her head, so he just stays still other than the hand on her hair and lets her have it out. he can't hurt her, and wouldn't even if he could, and nothing's holding her there. she can move whenever she wants.]

You and me both, super girl.

[She feels guilty for this, too, like she's using him, but she just wants to be able to be around him without panic seizing her up. She just wants to stop being scared.]

One day Kara's gonna turn up again and wonder why I stole her codename.

[he'd rather be used like this than think he's violating her by existing in her proximity, really. it's only okay to live a life of making other people uncomfortable when the discomfort comes from their own small-mindedness.]

I guess I'll come up with something if that happens.

Wonder Girl's taken too, for the record.

[In case that's what he was gonna go for next.

It's a little bit easier to just talk like normal, like everything isn't fuck up.]

Used to be the Girl Wonder, when I was Robin.

[he'll go with it, because it's much easier to slip into banter than it is to try and deal with messy things like feelings.]

Girl Wonder has a good ring to it. Acceptable nickname change.

The best part is that it's adaptable, although I can't say I'm a fan of Girl Hostage.

[Not that she got tied up nearly as much as the boy Robins, but still.]

Yeaaaah, pretty sure that'd get panned by every critic.

[That gets a quiet huff of a laugh, a little more tension draining from her posture.]

Boy Virgin was always a good one to tease my ex with, when he was Robin.

[his turn to huff a laugh, shaking his head.]

Harsh. Obviously he missed out.

He was never interested in that sorta thing.

["sex". the word you're looking for is "sex"]

[peter doesn't understand. he doesn't understand at alllllll. what is wrong with you, tim drake, that you did not hit that with the fist of a thousand suns.]

...did he happen to be a eunuch?

[Now she laughs for real.]

Jesse asked me if he was gay. But he's neither, as far as I know.

[good. that's good, even if he is genuinely baffled by the foolishness of this ex-boyfriend. he shakes his head, clucking his tongue.]

Seriously skewed priorities, man.

He was kind of a dork, I think girls scared him a little.

[just a little.]

And yet he landed himself the Girl Wonder? Miracles never cease.

I went after him, actually. He had a girlfriend when we met.

[And then he didn't C:

Steph you homewrecker.]

Ooh, that explains it.

[it's okay, steph, peter's girlfriend more or less decided that she was going to get with him come hell or high water or logic too.

he's just smart enough to bang her. a lot. even though she's pregnant with someone else's kid.]

I think he finally learned that girls exist this year, got himself engaged and everything.

[Sort of...

She mostly just sounds amused, anyway, even if she'd been angry at the time.]

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