controlledvariable | exsilium; ic inbox

[it takes peter a moment to put it together, because he doesn't think of himself as having powers. when it clicks, he stands up and moves to the other side of the room, sits on the floor with his back to the wall, knees up and arms folded across them. his aura doesn't extend very far beyond the reach of his arms, that's more than far enough away. most of the distance is just to reassure her.]

Sorry. I don't know how to...not. Most of the time I don't even remember it's a thing.

[She winces when he moves away, the guilt obvious in her expression.]

No, it's-- I'm sorry. I know you wouldn't do that.

[But that doesn't make it any easier.]

It's cool, Steph. Really.

[he means that. there's nothing at all in his manner to suggest that he's hurt or insulted. he shrugs, waves a hand in a casual sort of way.]

There's knowing stuff and then there's knowing stuff.

Okay.

[God, that's such a relief, because she doesn't want to lose a friend over this.

Her posture eases a little, though she's still curled in on herself.]

I couldn't feel anything.

[just to explain]

Shee-it. No wonder I freak you out.

[he runs a hand through his hair.]

You all back, now?

It was pretty bad, I think I really scared some people.

[It still hurts to think of the look on Dick's face when she told him she didn't care.

He looked like he was about to cry.]

But yeah, um-- I was a bit wobbly there for a while, but it all settled out.

I bet. You're the kind of person who has all kinda shits to give.

[and now she looks so lost, which is a weird look on steph. peter sighs. if this is not wobbly...he's glad he missed wobbly.]

Being completely freaked out seems like the perfectly rational thing to do. The person who fucked with your head...someone put a stop to that?

Yeah.

[To the first thing he says, because that's exactly the sort of person she is, and that's why it was so terrifying. It wasn't like just her emotions were taken, it was like Max took her away, whatever it is that makes her who she is.

Max could do it again, or someone else with a similar power could, and maybe they could do it forever.

That's the thought that keeps running through her head, that's why she's so scared.]

Jesse took her powers away, and she's locked up with the rest of the mutineers that got caught.

[that makes him flinch, just a little. it's not even worth pretending that jesse's ability to take people's powers isn't terrifying. taking peter's 'power' is taking away half of him, the greater part of the foundation of his selfhood. it's not as though there's 'peter' and 'the wolf', really. there's only peter, and sometimes he's more wolf than others. the idea of losing that is as terrifying to him as losing her emotions again is to steph. there's a reason that isaac and scott chose being locked up to losing their lycanthropy, and a reason peter stayed with them. he sighs.]

How's that even going to work? [he waves a hand.] That's not a question I expect answered.

[not by steph, not right now.]

That's not what my thing does, I don't think. I can't make you feel anything. Or nothing. And I'm staying over here, but just so you know.

[She understands that; it's why Jesse was so nervous about announcing his power in the first place, because he was worried about people who wouldn't want their abilities or powers taken away.

The problem is she'd still advocate it if someone was dangerous. She trusts Peter, she doesn't think he's a threat even with the werewolf thing, but -

There's a reason Batman carries Kryptonite.]

I know, I do. [She doesn't want him to think she doesn't trust him.] Just like I know Nate wouldn't mess around in my head, but just the idea of it right now...

[She scrubs a hand over her face. She can think of an analogy, easily enough, but she doesn't want to talk about how she can't hear the sound of a powerdrill without panicking.]

[right now, at least he thinks that jesse uses his power judiciously. in a few days, that opinion is going to change.]

No, I get it.

[anymore, he can't stand the smell of bacon.]

Like I said, staying over here. But it's not just a wouldn't thing--and I wouldn't, I think that's pretty fucked--it's a couldn't thing. If that helps.

[peter doesn't think steph trusts him right now. but he doesn't blame her, really. he's pretty used to being seen as one kind of thing or another that's a problem--damn gypsy, little punk asshole, werewolf, guy with powers--and a least she's got a better reason than most.]

It doesn't realy, sorry.

[Whether he could or not, the fact it's there still feels like a threat.

She sighs and drops her head to her knees, curling in on herself and tangling her fingers in her hair while she tries to--

She doesn't know, she's just so tired.]

I'm sorry.

[It's mumbled against her knees, but loud enough that he should be able to hear it, still.]

[he shrugs. he'd really like a cigarette, if just for something to do with himself.]

It's fine. Not your fault. Shit's gonna be what it is, y'know? I'm not mad.

[it's pretty hard for peter to get mad, lately, but he'll leave that out.]

Maybe you should be.

[Mad, or even just annoyed, or something.

She looks over at him again, head resting on her knees.]

Sorry. Again. I'm just tired.

[he meets her eyes, and that calm, wise thing is still there. it can't touch her, not across the room, but for those few heartbeats it's more like looking at the wolf than the boy. then peter blinks and looks away, and he's just a seventeen year old kid who's got friends on two sides of a fight he doesn't agree with.]

Tell me one useful thing getting mad's going to do and I'll think about it. You've heard my opinion. It hasn't changed.

[which is the first he's ever acknowledged the conversation they had before the moon.]

[She looks away first.]

I don't know.

[She feels like a mess and she hates it; she hates that Sonya was right about her, she hates that she can't just be better when that's what people need of her.

Getting mad doesn't do anything, but it's all she ever seems to do.

Without saying anything, she pushes herself off the bed, walks over to him and unceremoniously drops down beside him, leaning her head on his shoulder.

It's the best she can offer.]

[he's surprised, surprised enough that he goes absolutely still for a moment. then his shoulder relaxes beneath her head. it's another dozen heartbeats or so before he reaches across his own body and lightly pets her hair. steph's probably seen him do the exact same thing to peace.

this close, the aura of him is obvious to anyone looking for it. but there's nothing forceful about it. it's a quiet thing, not pushing out anything she's feeling so much as making it easier for her to let those things go, to feel like she's in some sort of control again. kind of a cross between the calm of meditation and the comfort of a teddybear or snuggling a beloved pet.]

Not knowing is all right.

[It's a choice.

She repeats that over and over in her head as his aura skirts on the edge of her awareness. This isn't like Max taking anything away; she's in control, she chose to walk over to him and now she can feel his aura and she can choose to let it work.

She exhales slowly.]

Thank god for that, 'cause I don't know much of anything, these days.

[peter knows what she's doing, that there's probably a whole little war going on in her head, so he just stays still other than the hand on her hair and lets her have it out. he can't hurt her, and wouldn't even if he could, and nothing's holding her there. she can move whenever she wants.]

You and me both, super girl.

[She feels guilty for this, too, like she's using him, but she just wants to be able to be around him without panic seizing her up. She just wants to stop being scared.]

One day Kara's gonna turn up again and wonder why I stole her codename.

[he'd rather be used like this than think he's violating her by existing in her proximity, really. it's only okay to live a life of making other people uncomfortable when the discomfort comes from their own small-mindedness.]

I guess I'll come up with something if that happens.

Wonder Girl's taken too, for the record.

[In case that's what he was gonna go for next.

It's a little bit easier to just talk like normal, like everything isn't fuck up.]

Used to be the Girl Wonder, when I was Robin.

[he'll go with it, because it's much easier to slip into banter than it is to try and deal with messy things like feelings.]

Girl Wonder has a good ring to it. Acceptable nickname change.

The best part is that it's adaptable, although I can't say I'm a fan of Girl Hostage.

[Not that she got tied up nearly as much as the boy Robins, but still.]

Yeaaaah, pretty sure that'd get panned by every critic.

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