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[controlledvariable]

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[controlledvariable]

Right. [so, so dryly, except he apologized and sounded like he meant it, so she can't really keep being annoyed at him.

She sighs.] I'm pretty sure there isn't a quickfix to this, but--

[She know what she has to say next, but the words stick a little, when she knows they're not exactly kind.]

Ellie comes first. I'm sorry.

[Really, she is. But she just doesn't see a solution to this that isn't just... them getting over it.]

[5055034455]

[It's great that Steph has her priorities in order, but Saul's naturally inclined to latch onto little things like word choice, so — first. Implying that there's a list, maybe. He's been sloppy seconds before. It's not so bad.

But that's probably not being fair, because he knows what she meant.]

What's the deal with you two, anyway?

[Just checking, since he's still a little confused about that whole thing.

And he's pretty sure Steph is, too.]

[controlledvariable]

[There's a question that has her letting the silence linger for a moment, before she forces herself to say something.]

I don't know.

[She really doesn't, and maybe that's why this has all become such a problem, because she doesn't know what the hell her and Ellie are, which means she doesn't know how she should be dealing with situations like this one.

They really should have talked before Ellie got so sick.]

[5055034455]

[He really has to hold his tongue on this one, since his automatic reaction is to ask then what, exactly, the problem is.

Because he's not seeing it, at this point.]

Labels don't make that big a difference, you know.

[Saul...]

Calling her your girlfriend isn't gonna shut off your ability to feel things for other people. I mean, if that's what you're thinking. Correct me if I'm wrong.

[controlledvariable]

I know that.

[A bit more defensive than she really needs to be, and it probably gives away the fact that she was kind of hoping it would help.

Still:]

It's not about calling her my girlfriend, it's about knowing what she wants. Ellie isn't-- She doesn't really understand anything other than one hundred percent committed relationships.

[It feels a little mean, like she's calling Ellie naive or narrow minded or something but it's... true. She hadn't understood Steph's situation with Vanadi, couldn't seem to wrap her head around casual sex with a friend.]

But I think she's still struggling a bit with the whole fact I'm a girl and that we're caught up in all this bullshit with the Initiative and that we're each other's best friend, here. So I don't know what she wants. From me. And I need to figure it out because this is killing me.

[Those were... way more words than she wanted to say, and there's a quiet groan as she drops her head onto her desk, wishing she could just throw her tablet into the ocean or something.]

[5055034455]

[Again, Saul's holding himself back. Ellie doesn't understand real relationships? That's her problem. But then he realizes no, that's extremely mean and not at all fair. No need to shove his jaded, bitter attitude in anyone's face, let alone Steph's. Ellie's a nice girl, from what he's seen. And he cares about Steph, right? So he wants her to be happy, not feel like anything is killing her.

So he takes a breath and does a little counting before he speaks again.

He makes it all the way up to twenty-five.]

Talk to her, then. Figure it out. Just — I can't help but wonder, you know, since you brought up the Initiative and everything, what happens when the inevitable rolls around and someone disappears. Because you can be as committed to her as anything, and she you, but that doesn't guarantee —

[He falls silent. What was that about being mean and unfair?]

Sorry. I'm — I should hang up.

[controlledvariable]

No, it's-- it's fine. You're right.

[About the Initiative and what's going to happen when one of them disappears, especially considering how badly Ellie reacted to some of her other friends disappearing. And that wasn't even people she was close to, not like if Collette or Cedric or Steph herself, went home.]

I just have to hope it's her, first, much as I don't want her to ever have to go home.

[But she sighs.]

You can hang up if you want. I'm sure you don't wanna hear this.

[Just like Vanadi didn't, and she's really starting to wonder why she doesn't have anyone she can talk to that isn't tangled up in the same mess.

She misses Cass.]

[5055034455]

[It's not that he doesn't want to hear it; it's that he was sure that would have pissed her off, too. But it didn't. Again. And he's surprised. Again.]

No matter what, it's not gonna get easier. Especially not with this whole... situation we've found ourselves in. This mess. And I mean the collective "we" — the Transports. We're all scared. And what does fear lead to?

[He's actually asking, to see if their answers match up.]

[controlledvariable]

[That just makes her roll her eyes.]

Considering my night job, I'd never be allowed to have a relationship, with that logic.

[Assuming that fear leads to making stupid decisions and clinging to comfort.

Not that she's always scared, mind, but she's also not always scared here, so she thinks it works.]

[5055034455]

[Ah, good. She gets it. Stupidity.]

That depends on what kind of relationship you're looking for.

[controlledvariable]

I dated another vigilante for nearly two years back home. I can handle... whatever Ellie wants.

[This is a weird conversation.]

[5055034455]

[Yes.

And Saul has no idea why he's still involved in it.]

You sure about that?

[controlledvariable]

Are you asking 'cause you actually care or 'cause you want to fuck me?

[That was a lot harsher than necessary, but she's feeling defensive because she really isn't sure.]

[5055034455]

[That sure is some stunned silence, all right.

What the hell, Steph. That actually kind of hurt. Who's not playing fair now?]

I'm asking because you just told me two things that stand in direct conflict with each other: one, you want me to kiss you again. Two, Ellie wants an, and I quote, "one hundred percent committed relationship."

[The implication there being that no, Steph can't handle whatever Ellie wants.

But Saul won't elaborate that far, because he's sure she knows what he means. More than that, though, he'd like to stop sounding so distressed before he says anything else.]

[controlledvariable]

[She feels really bad, in the wake of that silence and how Saul's voice sounds, but she doesn't know how to apologize right now.

Especially because she just wants to tell him to shut up and stop pointing out things she already knows but is trying to ignore. Instead, she runs her hands throug her hair.]

That's not even mentioning Vanadi. [It's mostly muttered to herself, and she just sounds sad, before she takes a breath and tries to force some confidence into her tone.] It's gonna be fine. I'll work it out.

[Fine might depend on who's being asked, though.]

[5055034455]

[What's he supposed to say to that? Offer help? Yeah, okay. If you need anything, Steph, I'm here —

Please.

There's the muffled sound of relocation: the quiet shuffle of his feet, the fwoomp of his body flopping backwards on the mattress. He has a headache and a half.]

I hope so. Does Vanadi know about any of this?

[controlledvariable]

Sort of. We're not-- [There's a vague handwave that she belatedly realizes Saul can't see.] I think he knew before I did, and he knew I'd pick Ellie.

[Over him, and that sounds so mean when she puts it like that, as if it's some competition.]

God, I'm an ass.

[Just.

Yup.]

[5055034455]

You're not.

[He says it automatically, but it's no less genuine for that. Then, for the sake of attempting to lighten things up:] Takes one to know one, right? So trust me, you're not.

[controlledvariable]

[There's a huff of a laugh, though it sounds more tired than anything.]

I think there's a fair few people who'd disagree with you there.

[That she's a jerk, since she sometimes manages to piss people off quite thoroughly.]

[5055034455]

Hey, c'mon.

[Reproachful, but gently so.]

What good is beating yourself up gonna do?

[controlledvariable]

Saves other people having to do it for me.

[womp womp]

[5055034455]

[Good lord.]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that doesn't really help, either.

[controlledvariable]

You'd be surprised.

[Actually... true, considering she felt better after Helena kicked the crap outta her.]

[5055034455]

Should I be worried?

[Why is he asking like he isn't already?]

[controlledvariable]

I'm sure I mentioned something about sex and violence, and only one of those has been getting me into trouble lately.

[She's just... going to joke about this, apparently.

Coping mechanisms.]