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[controlledvariable]

Oh.

[Eloquent as ever, Brown.

But she doesn't know what else to say to that, because it isn't what she was expecting and it's-- it'd almost be sweet, if this whole thing wasn't a mess. But it is, and she's supposed to be with Ellie, or. something. Maybe this would be easier if she knew what the hell her and Ellie were supposed to be.

She doesn't, though, and all she can do for a moment is just run a hand through her hair and try to figure out how to make sense of this.]

Saul...

[No, she still has no idea what the hell to say.]

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[He's patient; he'll wait. It's obvious she's trying to work something out, whatever it is, and he has nothing else to say. She wanted an explanation, she got it.



Except —

No, on second thought, he does have something else to add.]

I'm not sorry I did it. I'm sorry it's caused... this. All this awkwardness between us. And I'm really sorry if I hurt you. [Because he's still not sure if he did or not. Maybe if he'd caught her crying.] But if I had the chance to go back and redo those, what, two seconds? Three? I'd do it again. Every time. So... yeah.

[Speaking of eloquence...

He's honestly still expecting her to hang up on him. Especially now. Just hang up on him, never speak to him again, make his life easier.]

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[How come she can run her mouth off and talk nonsense just fine, but as soon as something important comes up, she feels like she's forgotten every single word she knows?]

God. [Just muttered to herself, as she rubs at her brow, because she's getting a headache just from how messed up this all is.] You know you're making things really fucking complicated, right?

[He probably does, but she feels like it can't hurt to repeat it. Things already kind of sucked, trying to reconcile how she felt about Ellie with how much she cares about Vanadi. She didn't need one more thing into the works.]

I can't do anything that'd hurt Ellie, I hate myself enough for just-- [For just thinking about it, for not pulling away as soon as she realized what Saul was doing.] I don't want to be that kind of person.

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[No, actually, he doesn't know he's making things "really fucking complicated" because this should be easy for her. He shouldn't have to try to silently will her to tell him to fuck off. That should come naturally.

So why...?

He's quiet again, thinking. When he finally speaks, his voice is softer, a little more quiet.]

I'm not asking you to. You wanted the truth, you got it, except now I feel like we're having two different conversations. What are you not telling me?

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[And she knows exactly what she's not telling him, but admitting will just make things even more of a mess. She feels like she owes him honesty, though, after he was honest with her.]

I want you to do it again, too.

[Quietly, borrowing his phrasing because she doesn't know how else to put it.]

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[Saul never expected that response, but even if he had, hearing it out loud would have prompted the same reaction: it feels like his heart bottoms out. She's fucking with him, right?]

You —

[She has to be fucking with him. Jesse can't have been right this whole time. There's a reason why Saul so vehemently denied the possibility of any interest on Stephanie's end — because if he had entertained that thought, even for a second, he'd have switched gears from "maybe trying to seduce her a little, so what" to all-out chasing her.

He's thankful for her honesty.

But she really should have lied.]

That's a problem.

["Batgirl and Captain Obvious" has a nice ring to it, yeah?]

[controlledvariable]

[She's sure there was a point in her life when things like this were so much more simple, but she's having a hard time remembering it right now.]

No shit.

[There's no heat in the words, no anger or annoyance, she just sounds tired.

This is all way too complicated.]

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[Being twenty is difficult. And that's what he has to remind himself — she's twenty, it's weird, there's a third party involved and Steph's guilt-ridden enough as it is (and maybe he is, too, a little) —

Then again, Saul is a lawyer. Her lawyer, technically. And what do lawyers do? Solve their clients' problems. So this is either the stupidest leap in logic he's ever made or the worst pick-up line to ever leave his mouth, but there's a good chance it'll piss her off. He'd be okay with that.]

Wanna get it out of your system?

[He sounds so casual about it, too, like he's asking her meet him for coffee or something.]

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[There's a long moment of silence, because she actually just has to make sure she heard that right.

Really, Saul?]

What was that about a roll in the hay, again?

[Now she does sound a little annoyed, though mostly she's just - incredulous, that he went on about not wanting anything from her and then just asked that as if it was the most casual thing in the world. Even if that would help, it'd still feel like cheating on Ellie, and she'd still never forgive herself for it.]

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[...yeah okay now he feels a little bad.

Damn it. This used to be easy. What the hell happened?]

Sorry, sorry. Just — uh. Spitballing ideas.

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Right. [so, so dryly, except he apologized and sounded like he meant it, so she can't really keep being annoyed at him.

She sighs.] I'm pretty sure there isn't a quickfix to this, but--

[She know what she has to say next, but the words stick a little, when she knows they're not exactly kind.]

Ellie comes first. I'm sorry.

[Really, she is. But she just doesn't see a solution to this that isn't just... them getting over it.]

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[It's great that Steph has her priorities in order, but Saul's naturally inclined to latch onto little things like word choice, so — first. Implying that there's a list, maybe. He's been sloppy seconds before. It's not so bad.

But that's probably not being fair, because he knows what she meant.]

What's the deal with you two, anyway?

[Just checking, since he's still a little confused about that whole thing.

And he's pretty sure Steph is, too.]

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[There's a question that has her letting the silence linger for a moment, before she forces herself to say something.]

I don't know.

[She really doesn't, and maybe that's why this has all become such a problem, because she doesn't know what the hell her and Ellie are, which means she doesn't know how she should be dealing with situations like this one.

They really should have talked before Ellie got so sick.]

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[He really has to hold his tongue on this one, since his automatic reaction is to ask then what, exactly, the problem is.

Because he's not seeing it, at this point.]

Labels don't make that big a difference, you know.

[Saul...]

Calling her your girlfriend isn't gonna shut off your ability to feel things for other people. I mean, if that's what you're thinking. Correct me if I'm wrong.

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I know that.

[A bit more defensive than she really needs to be, and it probably gives away the fact that she was kind of hoping it would help.

Still:]

It's not about calling her my girlfriend, it's about knowing what she wants. Ellie isn't-- She doesn't really understand anything other than one hundred percent committed relationships.

[It feels a little mean, like she's calling Ellie naive or narrow minded or something but it's... true. She hadn't understood Steph's situation with Vanadi, couldn't seem to wrap her head around casual sex with a friend.]

But I think she's still struggling a bit with the whole fact I'm a girl and that we're caught up in all this bullshit with the Initiative and that we're each other's best friend, here. So I don't know what she wants. From me. And I need to figure it out because this is killing me.

[Those were... way more words than she wanted to say, and there's a quiet groan as she drops her head onto her desk, wishing she could just throw her tablet into the ocean or something.]

[5055034455]

[Again, Saul's holding himself back. Ellie doesn't understand real relationships? That's her problem. But then he realizes no, that's extremely mean and not at all fair. No need to shove his jaded, bitter attitude in anyone's face, let alone Steph's. Ellie's a nice girl, from what he's seen. And he cares about Steph, right? So he wants her to be happy, not feel like anything is killing her.

So he takes a breath and does a little counting before he speaks again.

He makes it all the way up to twenty-five.]

Talk to her, then. Figure it out. Just — I can't help but wonder, you know, since you brought up the Initiative and everything, what happens when the inevitable rolls around and someone disappears. Because you can be as committed to her as anything, and she you, but that doesn't guarantee —

[He falls silent. What was that about being mean and unfair?]

Sorry. I'm — I should hang up.

[controlledvariable]

No, it's-- it's fine. You're right.

[About the Initiative and what's going to happen when one of them disappears, especially considering how badly Ellie reacted to some of her other friends disappearing. And that wasn't even people she was close to, not like if Collette or Cedric or Steph herself, went home.]

I just have to hope it's her, first, much as I don't want her to ever have to go home.

[But she sighs.]

You can hang up if you want. I'm sure you don't wanna hear this.

[Just like Vanadi didn't, and she's really starting to wonder why she doesn't have anyone she can talk to that isn't tangled up in the same mess.

She misses Cass.]

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[It's not that he doesn't want to hear it; it's that he was sure that would have pissed her off, too. But it didn't. Again. And he's surprised. Again.]

No matter what, it's not gonna get easier. Especially not with this whole... situation we've found ourselves in. This mess. And I mean the collective "we" — the Transports. We're all scared. And what does fear lead to?

[He's actually asking, to see if their answers match up.]

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[That just makes her roll her eyes.]

Considering my night job, I'd never be allowed to have a relationship, with that logic.

[Assuming that fear leads to making stupid decisions and clinging to comfort.

Not that she's always scared, mind, but she's also not always scared here, so she thinks it works.]

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[Ah, good. She gets it. Stupidity.]

That depends on what kind of relationship you're looking for.

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I dated another vigilante for nearly two years back home. I can handle... whatever Ellie wants.

[This is a weird conversation.]

[5055034455]

[Yes.

And Saul has no idea why he's still involved in it.]

You sure about that?

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Are you asking 'cause you actually care or 'cause you want to fuck me?

[That was a lot harsher than necessary, but she's feeling defensive because she really isn't sure.]

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[That sure is some stunned silence, all right.

What the hell, Steph. That actually kind of hurt. Who's not playing fair now?]

I'm asking because you just told me two things that stand in direct conflict with each other: one, you want me to kiss you again. Two, Ellie wants an, and I quote, "one hundred percent committed relationship."

[The implication there being that no, Steph can't handle whatever Ellie wants.

But Saul won't elaborate that far, because he's sure she knows what he means. More than that, though, he'd like to stop sounding so distressed before he says anything else.]

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[She feels really bad, in the wake of that silence and how Saul's voice sounds, but she doesn't know how to apologize right now.

Especially because she just wants to tell him to shut up and stop pointing out things she already knows but is trying to ignore. Instead, she runs her hands throug her hair.]

That's not even mentioning Vanadi. [It's mostly muttered to herself, and she just sounds sad, before she takes a breath and tries to force some confidence into her tone.] It's gonna be fine. I'll work it out.

[Fine might depend on who's being asked, though.]