controlledvariable | exsilium; ic inbox

[That isn't really a question she wanted to hear, if she's being honest, and she's kind of surprised by it, when she thought they were just gonna keep skirting around the topic. She could lie; he'd are right through it, she's sure, but maybe he'd pretend not to for her sake. But - maybe they should talk about it. Maybe it'd make her feel less awful.

There's still a bit of a pause as she tries to work out what to say, before eventually she just goes with the simplest response.]

You kissed me.

[Somehow she manages to sound mostly casual, but there's a hint of questioning in it, too. She doesn't know what they're supposed to do, after that.]

I did.

[No use in denying that.

He's content to let her lead this conversation. She's obviously way more bothered by what happened than he is (and with good reason, he supposes) — maybe it'll be easier if he puts himself in a position where all he has to do is supply responses. Like pretending he's on the witness stand, almost.

So that's all he says, for now: I did.]

[She's not sure what she was expecting, maybe an excuse or an explanation, or an apology. Just - something, and it annoys her a little, that he apparently doesn't have anything more to say to her than that.

But she really doesn't want to stay this conversation with an argument, so she just sighs, and takes a moment to sort out her thoughts.]

What do you want from me, Saul?

[Maybe that's not fair, either, when he told her that he didn't want anything, but she has to ask, anyway.

And it seems better than asking why?]

[No, that's not a fair question, but Saul respects her for asking it. He was expecting a why, really, or an empty, buzzing silence from her hanging up on him, but this? This is direct. He appreciates directness.

But that's not going to change his answer.]

Nothing. And I know that doesn't make sense — trust me, I know — but that's the truth. What do you think I want, huh? A nice little roll in the hay? Bragging rights?

[That makes her flinch, and she's grateful he can't see it.]

No, jesus, I'm not-- [She doesn't think he's enough of a jerk to think he's just after bragging rights. He's definitely not stupid enough to think he'd get away with something like that. Whatever that sentence was, though, she decides to drop it.] I don't know what you want, that's kind of why I asked.

[And his answer hasn't made things any less confusing.]

[welp

Saul is quiet for a moment, then sighs.]

You wanna know why I did it?

That'd be helpful, yeah.

[As if this is some case she needs to solve.]

Because of Walter.

[He knows how that sounds. Just give him a second.]

Because of exactly what you've seen going on since he showed up. Jesse's a wreck, I'm a wreck because Jesse's a wreck. And don't get me wrong — I'm not trying to pass the buck onto either of them. What I'm saying is that I did what I did because I knew that pretty much everything I've managed to accomplish here in the past three months was about to go to hell. So I figured, you know, screw it. Might as well do the one thing I want to do before it's all over. So I did. I kissed you.

That's why.

Oh.

[Eloquent as ever, Brown.

But she doesn't know what else to say to that, because it isn't what she was expecting and it's-- it'd almost be sweet, if this whole thing wasn't a mess. But it is, and she's supposed to be with Ellie, or. something. Maybe this would be easier if she knew what the hell her and Ellie were supposed to be.

She doesn't, though, and all she can do for a moment is just run a hand through her hair and try to figure out how to make sense of this.]

Saul...

[No, she still has no idea what the hell to say.]

[He's patient; he'll wait. It's obvious she's trying to work something out, whatever it is, and he has nothing else to say. She wanted an explanation, she got it.

Except —

No, on second thought, he does have something else to add.]

I'm not sorry I did it. I'm sorry it's caused... this. All this awkwardness between us. And I'm really sorry if I hurt you. [Because he's still not sure if he did or not. Maybe if he'd caught her crying.] But if I had the chance to go back and redo those, what, two seconds? Three? I'd do it again. Every time. So... yeah.

[Speaking of eloquence...

He's honestly still expecting her to hang up on him. Especially now. Just hang up on him, never speak to him again, make his life easier.]

[How come she can run her mouth off and talk nonsense just fine, but as soon as something important comes up, she feels like she's forgotten every single word she knows?]

God. [Just muttered to herself, as she rubs at her brow, because she's getting a headache just from how messed up this all is.] You know you're making things really fucking complicated, right?

[He probably does, but she feels like it can't hurt to repeat it. Things already kind of sucked, trying to reconcile how she felt about Ellie with how much she cares about Vanadi. She didn't need one more thing into the works.]

I can't do anything that'd hurt Ellie, I hate myself enough for just-- [For just thinking about it, for not pulling away as soon as she realized what Saul was doing.] I don't want to be that kind of person.

[No, actually, he doesn't know he's making things "really fucking complicated" because this should be easy for her. He shouldn't have to try to silently will her to tell him to fuck off. That should come naturally.

So why...?

He's quiet again, thinking. When he finally speaks, his voice is softer, a little more quiet.]

I'm not asking you to. You wanted the truth, you got it, except now I feel like we're having two different conversations. What are you not telling me?

[And she knows exactly what she's not telling him, but admitting will just make things even more of a mess. She feels like she owes him honesty, though, after he was honest with her.]

I want you to do it again, too.

[Quietly, borrowing his phrasing because she doesn't know how else to put it.]

[Saul never expected that response, but even if he had, hearing it out loud would have prompted the same reaction: it feels like his heart bottoms out. She's fucking with him, right?]

You —

[She has to be fucking with him. Jesse can't have been right this whole time. There's a reason why Saul so vehemently denied the possibility of any interest on Stephanie's end — because if he had entertained that thought, even for a second, he'd have switched gears from "maybe trying to seduce her a little, so what" to all-out chasing her.

He's thankful for her honesty.

But she really should have lied.]

That's a problem.

["Batgirl and Captain Obvious" has a nice ring to it, yeah?]

[She's sure there was a point in her life when things like this were so much more simple, but she's having a hard time remembering it right now.]

No shit.

[There's no heat in the words, no anger or annoyance, she just sounds tired.

This is all way too complicated.]

[Being twenty is difficult. And that's what he has to remind himself — she's twenty, it's weird, there's a third party involved and Steph's guilt-ridden enough as it is (and maybe he is, too, a little) —

Then again, Saul is a lawyer. Her lawyer, technically. And what do lawyers do? Solve their clients' problems. So this is either the stupidest leap in logic he's ever made or the worst pick-up line to ever leave his mouth, but there's a good chance it'll piss her off. He'd be okay with that.]

Wanna get it out of your system?

[He sounds so casual about it, too, like he's asking her meet him for coffee or something.]

[There's a long moment of silence, because she actually just has to make sure she heard that right.

Really, Saul?]

What was that about a roll in the hay, again?

[Now she does sound a little annoyed, though mostly she's just - incredulous, that he went on about not wanting anything from her and then just asked that as if it was the most casual thing in the world. Even if that would help, it'd still feel like cheating on Ellie, and she'd still never forgive herself for it.]

[...yeah okay now he feels a little bad.

Damn it. This used to be easy. What the hell happened?]

Sorry, sorry. Just — uh. Spitballing ideas.

Right. [so, so dryly, except he apologized and sounded like he meant it, so she can't really keep being annoyed at him.

She sighs.] I'm pretty sure there isn't a quickfix to this, but--

[She know what she has to say next, but the words stick a little, when she knows they're not exactly kind.]

Ellie comes first. I'm sorry.

[Really, she is. But she just doesn't see a solution to this that isn't just... them getting over it.]

[It's great that Steph has her priorities in order, but Saul's naturally inclined to latch onto little things like word choice, so — first. Implying that there's a list, maybe. He's been sloppy seconds before. It's not so bad.

But that's probably not being fair, because he knows what she meant.]

What's the deal with you two, anyway?

[Just checking, since he's still a little confused about that whole thing.

And he's pretty sure Steph is, too.]

[There's a question that has her letting the silence linger for a moment, before she forces herself to say something.]

I don't know.

[She really doesn't, and maybe that's why this has all become such a problem, because she doesn't know what the hell her and Ellie are, which means she doesn't know how she should be dealing with situations like this one.

They really should have talked before Ellie got so sick.]

[He really has to hold his tongue on this one, since his automatic reaction is to ask then what, exactly, the problem is.

Because he's not seeing it, at this point.]

Labels don't make that big a difference, you know.

[Saul...]

Calling her your girlfriend isn't gonna shut off your ability to feel things for other people. I mean, if that's what you're thinking. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I know that.

[A bit more defensive than she really needs to be, and it probably gives away the fact that she was kind of hoping it would help.

Still:]

It's not about calling her my girlfriend, it's about knowing what she wants. Ellie isn't-- She doesn't really understand anything other than one hundred percent committed relationships.

[It feels a little mean, like she's calling Ellie naive or narrow minded or something but it's... true. She hadn't understood Steph's situation with Vanadi, couldn't seem to wrap her head around casual sex with a friend.]

But I think she's still struggling a bit with the whole fact I'm a girl and that we're caught up in all this bullshit with the Initiative and that we're each other's best friend, here. So I don't know what she wants. From me. And I need to figure it out because this is killing me.

[Those were... way more words than she wanted to say, and there's a quiet groan as she drops her head onto her desk, wishing she could just throw her tablet into the ocean or something.]

[Again, Saul's holding himself back. Ellie doesn't understand real relationships? That's her problem. But then he realizes no, that's extremely mean and not at all fair. No need to shove his jaded, bitter attitude in anyone's face, let alone Steph's. Ellie's a nice girl, from what he's seen. And he cares about Steph, right? So he wants her to be happy, not feel like anything is killing her.

So he takes a breath and does a little counting before he speaks again.

He makes it all the way up to twenty-five.]

Talk to her, then. Figure it out. Just — I can't help but wonder, you know, since you brought up the Initiative and everything, what happens when the inevitable rolls around and someone disappears. Because you can be as committed to her as anything, and she you, but that doesn't guarantee —

[He falls silent. What was that about being mean and unfair?]

Sorry. I'm — I should hang up.

No, it's-- it's fine. You're right.

[About the Initiative and what's going to happen when one of them disappears, especially considering how badly Ellie reacted to some of her other friends disappearing. And that wasn't even people she was close to, not like if Collette or Cedric or Steph herself, went home.]

I just have to hope it's her, first, much as I don't want her to ever have to go home.

[But she sighs.]

You can hang up if you want. I'm sure you don't wanna hear this.

[Just like Vanadi didn't, and she's really starting to wonder why she doesn't have anyone she can talk to that isn't tangled up in the same mess.

She misses Cass.]

this is gonna go great

:'D

sadtrombone

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