controlledvariable | exsilium; ic inbox

Yeah. [There's an automatic instinct to mention Ellie, because, well, because it's Ellie, but she realizes that's probably not the best idea right now.] The antibiotics seem to be working for everyone who was sick, and most of my friends managed to stay safe during the bombing.

[Jaime managed to get himself paralyzed, but he was fine eventually.]

How's Jesse?

[That's the thing — he meant Ellie, specifically.

Everything is so stupid.]

That's good. Jesse's... [He trails off, hesitates.] He was with me the whole time. He's doing better.

[She's not entirely sure she believes that.]

Do you think he's gonna keep getting better?

I guess that depends what definition of "better" we're working with.

Let's start with 'doing less drugs', maybe?

[Her tone's a little flat there, because she's trying really hard not to be judgemental, she just... has a lot of issues tied up with addiction.]

Less, yeah.

[Probably not the answer she was looking for. And Saul's not even sure that's true, himself — for all he knows, Jesse could've built up a tolerance again.]

I suppose that's better than nothing.

[She feels a little guilty because she doesn't want to worry about Jesse, not when she's got enough shit to deal with and he pretty clearly doesn't want her help.]

[And maybe Saul senses that, or maybe he's just assuming, or maybe he feels like Jesse Pinkman needs to come with a warning label, but:] He's my responsibility. Don't worry about it.

[Somehow that just makes her feel worse.]

Worrying about people is my job.

[She hasn't been a very good vigilante, lately.]

That's my job, too. So I don't need to worry about you worrying about him on top of worrying about both of you anyway.

[...did that even make sense?]

[Surprisingly, yes. Although:]

You know you don't need to worry about me, right?

[It's weird that he does because it means he... cares... or something.

It'd be so much easier if she could pretend he just wanted to sleep with her and that was the end of things.]

Of course I do; you're my client.

[Client.

Such an easy label to fall back on.]

You didn't pay me that marque for nothing, y'know.

[She doesn't know what to say to that. She's a little bit tempted to point out that she doesn't need a lawyer, that they were just joking (and hasn't that been the problem with a lot of things, lately?) but it seems mean.

She just sighs, instead.]

I guess not.

[She tries to keep her tone light, but it's an effort in futility.

Everything feels so awkward.]

[Maybe it's because he almost died (again), or maybe it's because his priorities have been completely re-shuffled in the past couple of weeks, or maybe he just needed some time to himself — which he got, courtesy of the virus. Or maybe it's all three of those things that have helped clear his head of the smoky mess sparked by Walt's arrival.

And that situation, thankfully, has stabilized. He won't go as far as saying it's improved, because the only way it'll improve is if Walt disappears into the ether again, but it's stabilized. That's all Saul can ask for, right now.

Anyway, the point is: he genuinely feels better.

So maybe they can talk about it.]

Talk to me, Steph. What's on your mind?

[That isn't really a question she wanted to hear, if she's being honest, and she's kind of surprised by it, when she thought they were just gonna keep skirting around the topic. She could lie; he'd are right through it, she's sure, but maybe he'd pretend not to for her sake. But - maybe they should talk about it. Maybe it'd make her feel less awful.

There's still a bit of a pause as she tries to work out what to say, before eventually she just goes with the simplest response.]

You kissed me.

[Somehow she manages to sound mostly casual, but there's a hint of questioning in it, too. She doesn't know what they're supposed to do, after that.]

I did.

[No use in denying that.

He's content to let her lead this conversation. She's obviously way more bothered by what happened than he is (and with good reason, he supposes) — maybe it'll be easier if he puts himself in a position where all he has to do is supply responses. Like pretending he's on the witness stand, almost.

So that's all he says, for now: I did.]

[She's not sure what she was expecting, maybe an excuse or an explanation, or an apology. Just - something, and it annoys her a little, that he apparently doesn't have anything more to say to her than that.

But she really doesn't want to stay this conversation with an argument, so she just sighs, and takes a moment to sort out her thoughts.]

What do you want from me, Saul?

[Maybe that's not fair, either, when he told her that he didn't want anything, but she has to ask, anyway.

And it seems better than asking why?]

[No, that's not a fair question, but Saul respects her for asking it. He was expecting a why, really, or an empty, buzzing silence from her hanging up on him, but this? This is direct. He appreciates directness.

But that's not going to change his answer.]

Nothing. And I know that doesn't make sense — trust me, I know — but that's the truth. What do you think I want, huh? A nice little roll in the hay? Bragging rights?

[That makes her flinch, and she's grateful he can't see it.]

No, jesus, I'm not-- [She doesn't think he's enough of a jerk to think he's just after bragging rights. He's definitely not stupid enough to think he'd get away with something like that. Whatever that sentence was, though, she decides to drop it.] I don't know what you want, that's kind of why I asked.

[And his answer hasn't made things any less confusing.]

[welp

Saul is quiet for a moment, then sighs.]

You wanna know why I did it?

That'd be helpful, yeah.

[As if this is some case she needs to solve.]

Because of Walter.

[He knows how that sounds. Just give him a second.]

Because of exactly what you've seen going on since he showed up. Jesse's a wreck, I'm a wreck because Jesse's a wreck. And don't get me wrong — I'm not trying to pass the buck onto either of them. What I'm saying is that I did what I did because I knew that pretty much everything I've managed to accomplish here in the past three months was about to go to hell. So I figured, you know, screw it. Might as well do the one thing I want to do before it's all over. So I did. I kissed you.

That's why.

Oh.

[Eloquent as ever, Brown.

But she doesn't know what else to say to that, because it isn't what she was expecting and it's-- it'd almost be sweet, if this whole thing wasn't a mess. But it is, and she's supposed to be with Ellie, or. something. Maybe this would be easier if she knew what the hell her and Ellie were supposed to be.

She doesn't, though, and all she can do for a moment is just run a hand through her hair and try to figure out how to make sense of this.]

Saul...

[No, she still has no idea what the hell to say.]

[He's patient; he'll wait. It's obvious she's trying to work something out, whatever it is, and he has nothing else to say. She wanted an explanation, she got it.

Except —

No, on second thought, he does have something else to add.]

I'm not sorry I did it. I'm sorry it's caused... this. All this awkwardness between us. And I'm really sorry if I hurt you. [Because he's still not sure if he did or not. Maybe if he'd caught her crying.] But if I had the chance to go back and redo those, what, two seconds? Three? I'd do it again. Every time. So... yeah.

[Speaking of eloquence...

He's honestly still expecting her to hang up on him. Especially now. Just hang up on him, never speak to him again, make his life easier.]

[How come she can run her mouth off and talk nonsense just fine, but as soon as something important comes up, she feels like she's forgotten every single word she knows?]

God. [Just muttered to herself, as she rubs at her brow, because she's getting a headache just from how messed up this all is.] You know you're making things really fucking complicated, right?

[He probably does, but she feels like it can't hurt to repeat it. Things already kind of sucked, trying to reconcile how she felt about Ellie with how much she cares about Vanadi. She didn't need one more thing into the works.]

I can't do anything that'd hurt Ellie, I hate myself enough for just-- [For just thinking about it, for not pulling away as soon as she realized what Saul was doing.] I don't want to be that kind of person.

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gdi

this is gonna go great

:'D

sadtrombone

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